12 Weeks

Well, I never did get around to posting an 11 week update and I can't believe week 12 is here already!


Countdown: 28 Weeks to GO!




Size: The baby will reach 3 inches this week- about the size of a peach




Development: All over growth in the body this week, the placenta is growing and getting ready to take over nourishing the baby (Whattoexpect.com).  This week, our prayers should be for safe and complete movement of the intestines from their umbilical cavity to the stomach and the development of vocal chords that will give this little one a sweet little voice.




Weight Gain: None that has stuck so far. There are two pounds that come and go, but haven't hung around. But.... no more loss these past two weeks!




Pregnancy Symptoms: Still a little nauseous, some days are worse than others. Still exhausted, but that should get better in the next couple of weeks as I move in to the second trimester. Still have a sore chest, and a new one.... my absolute favorite...... round ligament pains! I really do like them, I'm not just being sarcastic. For every one of those little pains I have, I celebrate. I celebrate because I know that it means that my uterus and my baby are growing! And there just isn't any better feeling than that.


Thank you for your prayers! I've had a peace about this pregnancy that I didn't think was going to be possible, and I know it's because I'm being lifted in daily prayers.

Thanks-Living

           Bad things happen in life. It is through experiencing great sadness that you can truly experience great joy. Sad things happen to us. Sad things happen to our friends and sometimes we take them on as our own sadness. And soon, if you're not careful, you're counting your sorrows and not your blessings. There is thankfulness in all things. Sometimes its hard to see the thanks through the hurt or the sadness or the anger. It is so easy to go through life, forgetting to thank God for all that he gives us. He gives so much that we just take for granted.
I read a book this summer called  One Thousand Gifts. It was kind of hard to get into at first because her writing style is so different. But the message was amazing, and much needed.  It is the author's story of her journey to living thankfulness. A journey that started by a challenge to write down one thousand things she was thankful for. She began to look for thanks in all things and to her surprising she found it.....everywhere.

 

His desire for us it to be thankful, lifting hands in praise to Him for all that he gives. 


2 TIMOTHY 3:1-2
1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come:
2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy.
We can get to that point so easily, becoming so wrapped up in ourselves....our idea of what will make us happy, our selfishness. 


I love listening to one of the little boys at my church pray. He thanks God for the day, for the people we are with, and of all things.....the trees that give us oxygen. He is 8. We think we are teaching them.... but oh, the things they teach us.
1 THESSALONIANS 5:18
18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 
This is my desire, and what I'm trying to make my focus this holiday season. This Christmas is going to be so difficult. I just want to close my eyes and let it pass by without me. It seems so much easier than dealing with the pain of Hank's absence. It's funny how the absence of someone can take up so much space in a room.
Every year, the day after Thanksgiving, my house is decorated inside and out for Christmas. Even my kitchen and bathrooms are decorated. I love the lights and how my house feels with a Christmas tree lit up in the window. This year, it looks so different. No tree. No lights. No Christmas potholders. No peppermint candle burning. No Christmas wreaths or door mats. No Hank.
What should have been our first Christmas together, has turned into our first Christmas without him. And it is so, so hard not to focus on that huge absence of such a small little boy. But there is still thankfulness. I'm thankful for the time we did have together. Thankful for the precious look Hank gave me when he recognized my voice. Thankful for all that Jesus has taught me since he died, and how He has held me upright through this. I'm thankful for reasons to smile. Thankful for the picture my sister sent me of Hank's ornament on her tree. I'm thankful that even though I can't do that for him this year, that she made sure he was remembered at her house. I'm thankful for my family's patience and love as I struggle to keep on living without him. I'm thankful for the most wonderful, understanding husband. God could not have given me a better gift than him. I am thankful for new life, for eternal life, and for the hope that brings.
My hope is that no matter what your struggles are this holiday season, financial struggles, loneliness, loss, guilt, unhappiness, physical pain, or emotional pain..... that you find thankfulness and that it fills you.

10 Weeks

Today, I am 10 weeks along in my pregnancy. This little baby has so many people praying for it daily, and for that we are so thankful and feel so blessed. I have had several people who pray for our baby daily ask what exactly they need to be praying for. Little hands or feet, eyes or ears? So, I decided to update you every week as to what is developing, so that if you are one of the sweet people praying for this little one, you will know what body parts to pray for.

Countdown: 30 weeks to go!

Size: The baby will be growing from 1 1/2 in, to about 2 in by the end of the week

Development: This week hair follicles are forming and nail beds are forming. Growth is occurring all over, but especially the head which is half the size of the body. The body is lengthening and straightening out. 

Weight gain: down 2 pounds this week. Trying to make the things I do eat count. I'm making myself eat vegetables that I don't care for, eat lots of protein, and drink lots of milk. Hopefully my appetite will improve in the second trimester.

Pregnancy symptoms: nausea, sore chest, need to get up several times in the night to go to the bathroom, and absolute exhaustion. I am thankful for each and every one of these symptoms that remind me there is a little one growing inside me.

Thank you again for each and every one of your prayers. I am so humbled by them, and so so grateful for them. I will leave you with a couple of pictures of my little angel.

                                     This was at 5weeks and 5 days. Just a round, black spot.

Here is the baby at 8 weeks and 3 days. Just under an inch long, little heart beating away, and already moving around in there!

You can still see the cyst that is feeding the baby until the placenta fully develops. It is the round thing to the left of the baby.

With Hank, I didn't have my first OB visit until I was 13 weeks. So I didn't get to see all of these first stages of development. He was already a big, kicking squirming baby by then. Dr. Ogdee and I didn't realize I was that far along, and when he scanned me he said, "Dang, this baby is huge!" So, it is kind of neat to see this baby develop from merely a big ball of cells, into a baby. I'm so ready for it to be big and feel it moving already though. Every day, Nathan says "I just can't wait till she's here. (He's sure its a girl.) This is going to be the longest 9, 8, and now 7 1/2 months of my life!"

I'm praying for peace and patience as we wait for our little one to arrive.

1 Peter 5:6-7  Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you,  casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Thankful

This handsome little boy....

   

                                                        Is going to be a big brother!!
       
       
         Yep, I am 9 weeks pregnant with our second child. Such a sweet gift of hope from the One who loves us most. And we are so, so thankful for that gift. Thank you for all of your prayers, and I hope that you will pray for this new life and for us as we continue to struggle without Hank and still have joy for our second child.


Thank you Lord, for this amazing tiny life growing inside me. Thank you for for holding true to your promise.... the promise for a crown of beauty.

Soul Ache

        I just left the University Church of Christ where we spent time in praise and in prayer for all of those involved in the horrible accident on Friday. My heart aches for all of those involved, but especially for Anabel's mom as my heart so recently knows the hurt of loosing a child. 
        I had the pleasure of meeting Anabel at ACU. She and I connected over donkeys. Yes donkeys. We both have a love for animals, and she was telling me last spring about how she and her brother were planning on raising donkeys that summer. And I was telling her that one of the first things I'm going to do when I move to the country, is buy a donkey. She said, "Really? I'm going to give you a donkey when you move. I can't wait!" So sweet. She and I struck a friendship up. I didn't see her often around campus, but she would send me little emails and brighten up my day with her sweet words and her genuine interest in my life and my happiness.
           About the middle of July this summer, she sent me a message to ask how my summer was going. It being God's perfect timing, it was just weeks after my sweet Hank had passed away. I told her about him, and the moment she got that email, she wrote me on her heart and continued to carry me there over the next months. She emailed me to check on me, encourage me, and pray for me. 
           One day at chapel after I had gone back to work, I was having a particularly hard day. I wept through the entire service and afterward was surrounded by my coworkers comforting me. And do you know who else surrounded me? Yes, sweet Anabel. She patiently stood there waiting to comfort me. When our hug and conversation got interrupted by others wanting to hug me, she did not give up and leave. She stayed and waited..... she had more to say.
          She hugged me tight, with tear-filled eyes, aching for her friend who hurt. She told me that she loved me, she was praying for me, and said with such sincerity that she would do anything to help me. This sweet girl, who had not even known me for long, let her heart be stained by my hurt and my tears. She wanted to carry some of that burden for me. 
          She continued to email me, encourage me. One of the last things she wrote to me was, "I know that I am just a student here on campus, but I will always be here for you and hope that you know that I will do anything I can to help you, even if you just need someone to listen." I told her she wasn't just a student..... she was amazing. 
          It isn't at all surprising to me that what she was doing when she passed away, was going to serve. She truly had a servant's heart.
          God we hurt, and we just don't understand sometimes why life has to be so hard. We don't understand why such an amazing person with so much to give had to go so soon. It just doesn't make since that this needs to be the plan, when she had so many more lives left touch on this earth. Lord, please help us to desire your good and perfect will be done. Lord please be with Anabel's mother, and father, and her brother who are missing her so much. Lord, please help to ease Mrs. Reid's soul ache, the one I know all too well. Please carve her name on our hearts, just as she did mine. And Lord please send her our love, and make sure she meets Hank, that little boy she cried over with me.
          Anabel always ended her emails to me with Blessings, Anabel. Thank you Anabel, for your blessings. I have truly been blessed by you. 

Just two more days....

          In just a couple of days, we will be participating in marathoning for miracles. A sweet, sweet lady named Wendy and her coworker Robyn, approached me after chapel on a day that I was really struggling. I sat there trying to sing songs of praise, but I just could not stop the tears that flowed down my face. She came to me after, told me that she loved me and thinks about me all the time, and then began to tell me about Marathoning for Miracles. It's a race to raise money for Hendrick Children's Hospital to help children right here in Abilene.
         So, she set up a facebook page and set a goal of 2 relay teams for the race. Invitations to the event were sent out, and those people sent the invitation on to others, and soon, we had 4 teams of five and 2 running a half marathon. That is 22 people walking/running for Hank. Just amazing....
One of Wendy's student workers, Garrett, who had not even met me at the time, designed some amazing t-shirts for us. Don't I work with a wonderful group of people?? Here are the shirts!

          The verse is Luke 18:16 "These children are the Kingdom's pride and Joy."The pictures don't do them justice. My photo taking skills are....well, awful. Don't worry though, I have an awesome photographer friend that will be taking pictures at the event on Saturday so I will have some great pictures to show you. Her name is Cindy Gravitt of Gravitt productions and she's the best! Oh, and she works with me at ACU too. I know, I'm a lucky girl to work with such amazing people.


          The registration fees for our teams and individual runners totaled $1,260, all going to Hendrick Children's Hospital. That amount is awesome! But my sweet sister wanted to do more. She set a goal to raise $1,000 to make an extra donation in Hank's name. She sent out fliers to who knows how many people, sent them out on facebook, and propositioned friends. 


And guess what???


We are almost there!


$775 donated by friends, family, and even strangers.


       So, when we reach our goal, we will have a total of....  $2,260 being donated in Hank's name! I am so proud, and so, so thankful! This money will go to help children in Abilene, TX who need medical care.
       So, I just wanted to say THANK YOU! To everyone who is helping or supporting us in any way. I can't tell you how much it means to me. It is so awesome to know that the money raised in memory of my baby boy will go to help other children right here in our very town.
        Praise God for good friends who do good things in His name and to help honor and remember my sweet Hank.

Missing him....

I am missing you today, my precious little boy. My heart aches for you. I want to touch those perfect little shoulders. The ones that look so much like your Daddy's. I hope that Jesus is telling you right now, about how much your momma loves you. Because I do, so, so, much. And it is so hard that you are not here with me.
Love,
Momma

Surrender

         Lord, I do so want to surrender all to you. To honestly favor    Your will over mine. To really want to live Your plan for me. But, this is not how I pictured it....The Plan. And it seems that I'm a bit of a control freak Lord, and I wanted Your plan to look more like mine. 

        I planned to be living in the country, outside of Tuscola. To own the land that this heart loves. And to be close to the church that this soul needs. 

         I'm not, I'm renting a house in the middle of a neighborhood in Abilene. Where people get shot and killed down the street from me. 
But also where I met some amazing Christian neighbors who came and loved on us, and brought us a delicious home-cooked meal after they learned that Hank had passed away. A sweet friendship is now developing.
         In this He speaks to me: "Open your eyes my child and SEE! See what I have given you. I have given you community in both those neighbors as well as in your property manager who personally knows your hurt and your struggle. "

           I planned to have several kids by now, but I've only had one and you took him for Your Glory. 
          He says to me "His days are better served in my Kingdom, and you will serve mightily on this earth  because of those two days he lived. "

             I planned to be a stay at home mom, but with the way the economy is looking, I don't know if that will ever happen. Because owning land and raising animals, and growing hearts of children is expensive.
            Again he says, "Look at what I have given to you! A job you love, serving students you love, and opportunity! A job where it is, in fact, encouraged to share the Word of the Lord. Use this opportunity! Open your mouth and speak the good Word!"

          I planned to raise my kids to love each other and love Jesus, but how will I teach them to love a brother they will never meet. He says to me, "Do not be afraid or anxious. I will guide you as you share Hank with your other kids.... all you have to do is ask........ and then listen. Be still with me."


          How do I get past this hurt and this obsessive infatuation with my own plan. Because I can still see my 80 year old self sitting on the porch with Nathan watching our cows graze, our grand and great-grandchildren playing, my miniature donkey, drinking from the pond full of ducks. A house full of life, fields full of life, and barns full of life. And I worry that His plan will be so different from what my heart desires.
         I am a sad lump of clay, Lord, turned hard by this cold, cold season of grief, sadness, and hurt in my life. Lord please work on my soul....mold my clay, warm it back to flexible, and MOLD ME. Mold my heart to desire your good and perfect plan for me and my family. I want to surrender to you. You're everything, everything.
         I need you daily to remind me... Not my will but Thine be done. Because I'm a fighter, Lord. And I will want to fight for those things that I love, I will fight to make my plan the greater one, the more important one. Lord shape me and prepare me for this next season in my life. Help me to remember that your plans are goodness and the maps to Glory.

"I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee my precious Savior, I surrender all. "

The Love of the Body

          The Body of Christ is an amazing thing, and I cannot even count the ways that His body has provided for us and served for us. We have been loved on, cooked for, listened to, comforted, encouraged, thought about, given gifts, and been prayed for over and over and over again. The body is a gift, capable of amazing things when working as one.

                                           Things like this.... with less than 12 hours to prepare:

      
       I was shocked when we pulled up to the church for Hank's funeral and saw all of these cars:

 It was less than 12 hours between the time Hank passed and the time we celebrated his life. I am both humbled and honored at the lengths that both our related and church families went to, to come together to make it happen.

I often think my gifts or my role in the Body of Christ is insignificant. If you have ever felt that way too, I humbly tell you it is not. Every single act of service that has been done for us, has been significant. Now matter how small you thought it was, I assure you it has impacted us. You all humble me and surprise me, and fill me. Thank you for each and every thought, action, and prayer.

Wallowing

          I have already been worrying about/dreading Christmas for weeks. And it is only October. I just cannot imagine how it will look without Hank. This Christmas was going to be so different for Nathan and I with our new baby. And in my sinful ways, I have been worrying over this day that is still so far in the future and just plain feeling sorry for myself.

        There is an organization called Hope Mommies for mothers who's babies have gone on before them. It was started by Erin Cushman after her baby Gwendolyn went to be with Jesus. Erin's blog has inspired me, she is always writing just what I need to hear. Today, on the Hope Mommies blog, I read her challenge to give Hope this holiday season.

"It is too easy to allow ourselves to wallow in our grief and want to be served. But what if we bless others by GIVING and proclaim the Hope of Christ this season louder than our grief!" 

Amen... I have been wallowing. Feeling sad for myself for a day that hasn't even happened yet. It is so nice to have someone to change your focus. And it is amazing how much better you feel when you stop focusing on yourself and start doing for others. 

I'm looking forward to the challenge, and pray that I can speak my HOPE louder than my GRIEF. 

These Hands

          Last Wednesday, in our middle school girl's class at church, we talked about marriage. It made me spend time thinking about and appreciating what a blessing mine is to me. I was thinking about the vows that I made to Nathan and how I have thought of those words often.
       
          When Nathan and I were married, 4 years ago, our minister spoke of the things our hands would do for one another. As I was holding Nathans hands in mine, preparing to put the ring on his finger and call him mine, Mike spoke these words:

"Marsha, these are the hands, young and stong, of the one who has just promised to love and cherish you all the days of your life together.

These are the the hands that will work long hours to earn a living for you and the family with which God blesses you. (I cannot tell you how hard those hands have worked)

These are the hands that will be nicked and bruised from trying to fix things around the house to make you more comfortable. (He does this tirelessly)

These are the hands that may look large and clumsy, yet they'll be gentle and kind as he holds your baby for the first time. (oh, and they were!)

These are the hands that will wipe tears from your eyes (They have already wiped thousands), that that will comfort you in illness (so, so well. They have even given me shots daily after my blood clot) and hold you when you're afraid.

These are the hands of the man who has vowed to love you always."

Then, as Nathan was holding my wedding band, eager to slip it on my finger, Mike read:

"Nathan, these are the hands of the one who has just promised to love and cherish you all the days of her life.

These hands are smooth and young and carefree now, but one day will be lined and rougher because of their work in seeking to make your life more comfortable.

These are the hands that will hold the children God blesses you with, soothing them through illness, and disciplining them as needed.

These are the hands of the woman who has vowed to love you always." And I will....Always.

I was prepared for the hands worn and wrinkled from work. From washing dishes and cooking meals. From playing hard with children and scrubbing their messes. For hands that held little hands, and books while I read to sleepy faces. Hands that held their daddy's hand at church. Hands that washed clothes and worked in the yard. Hands that sewed and created. Hands that loved.

These hands were not prepared to hold my son as the life went right out of him. They were not prepared to hand his lifeless body over to my family to hold for the first time. They were not prepared to hold him as I kissed him for the last time and handed him back to the nurse. These hands were not prepared to lower his tiny casket into the ground and cover it with earth. These hands were not prepared to go home with nothing to hold.


I was reading through the words that Mike spoke about our hands and I came to the important part....

"Remember, these are also the hands that you will lift in praise to God for the blessings He bestows on you. And these are the hands you'll need to daily fold in prayer as you pray for each other and your family as it grows in the years to come."

Please God, don't ever let me forget to daily lift my hands in praise to you.

I Need You Lord

         5 months ago, I remember thinking I can't believe my life is this good. Nathan was done with radiology school and had a good job working in the hospital, I was finally getting to spend time with him on a regular basis for the first time in our four years of marriage, I was in a job that I spent many hours praying about that would allow me to spend time with our family, Sammy (our rescued cat with glaucoma and a lot of other issues) had been found after a day and two nights of being out on the streets on his own, our church had just asked Nathan to take on the role of youth minister at our church (a place that we love and searched for for more than two years, and a dream of mine to have my house filled with a youth group), and we were expecting our first child, so unexpected but so, so wanted and loved. I remember thinking about that time, nothing bad has happened to us in a long time.... it was an eerie feeling that our time for heartache or hardship was coming. Little did I know the heartache that was ahead of us, a heartache that I could have never prepared for or imagined.
          I didn't need God then, when life was easy and good. Sure I went to church and worshiped Him.... but I didn't have an I need you relationship, the kind of relationship that grows from total reliance on Him. Since Hank died, I need Him. I need Him to get up every morning. I need Him to make myself go to work. I need Him when I'm asking a patient their birth date, and it's close to Hank's. I need Him to smile. I need Him to find joy. I need Him to get get through the day. I need Him. I rely on Him to live.     
         Why did I have to loose my son to gain this type of relationship with God? To need Him to function, to breathe? Why did my reliance on His word have to come from a need to ease the sadness? Why didn't I hunger for Him when life was so good?
       
I need you Lord.... and I am so unworthy of your Grace. 
        

Running From the Pain

         This weekend, Nathan and I went to San Antonio and stayed on the river walk. We stayed in an amazing resort, right on the river. We needed to get out of town and away from our everyday lives. The funny thing is though..... there's just no getting away from the pain. No matter how far you go, or how many things you fill your day with, it is always there. It has a way of following you around no matter where you are or what you are doing.
         We spend most of last night crying and thinking about our Hank (OK, I did most of the crying).  Everywhere we go, I am thinking about what we would be doing with Hank. How is it possible to miss someone this much that I knew for such a short time? And I am always surprised by the physical hurt of grief. We I am crying for him, I feel like my heart must truly be broken in half. When the pain is that intense, all that I can do is take a deep breath and remember that he was created for things greater than I can understand.

           But, oh... I would give anything to kiss this sweet face.

        

He is Mighty to Save

        We serve a Mighty, Powerful God. He can make the blind see, tell the lame to get up and walk and they do, he can raise the dead, he even breathed life into dirt to make man. He is a Miracle Maker. This makes me in complete awe of Him..... but it also makes me mad at Him. Where is my miracle? Ask and you shall receive...... I asked and I was left heartbroken and betrayed. Does He not love me? Am I not worthy of a yes when I ask? Where is this loving and compassionate God that I'm always reading about? That can't be love. Taking my baby and leaving me there with a giant gaping hole in my heart and in my life.... that can't be Love. 

        But it is. It is a love that I could never comprehend it is so great and never ending. God has a plan for Hank's life, and mine, and Nathan's that is greater than I could ever imagine. I may never understand why this had to be the plan, and I may always have moments when I am mad at Him for it, but He will keep loving me. He loves me so much He sent His only son to die for me. Jesus is mighty to save! Even me who questions Him, gets angry at Him....disappoints Him day after day. He still loves me even when I don't love Him.
        He is mighty to save... He bled and died so that I could live Life Everlasting.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 6:23

3 Months Gone

It's been 3 months since I last held Hank in my arms. No words for today.... just a sad heart.

3 Months

          

           

           Three months ago today, my first child was born. And in just two short days, it will make three months that he's been in heaven. It is still so surreal. I never in a million years thought that I would bury a child. I am reminded of one of my favorite songs from when I was in high school by Soul Union. It's called "Why I Smile" and talks about how Jesus came to earth, he traded his crown of glory for a crown of thorns and was crucified. Then it says, "You see that death did not hold him. Death where's thy stain? The devil tried to dethrone him, but he's risen as King!"

           That is how I feel.... that there is a big stain left on my life. And, just like a stained shirt, my life will never look the same way again. But there's the problem. I don't want anyone to look at my life and see a stained up old t-shirt. Yes it has character, and it may even get comfortable, but it keeps you from seeing the shirt as it should be. I want to some day look back on my life and say, "Death, Where's my stain?" I want to look back and see the beauty God has created from the ashes. I want my life to look more like an old patchwork quilt. Stitched together with the utmost care and love by my Creator, soft and warn from love in some areas, an held together with tough threads of determination in others, and plum worn out from use. I want to use the heck out of my life. I am not promised tomorrow and I have a lot of living, a lot of giving, and a lot of praising left to do. How will I ever let the light of God shine through me, if I allow myself to become all stained up by this awful thing called death?

Psalm 139:14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful!
I know that....... well I'm trying to. 
 

Marathoning for Miracles

Keepin' it real...

        In the words of the Pioneer Woman.... I'm keeping it real today.
        It is easy, when your writing a blog to "edit" your life and make it look pretty. It would be so much easier to just write about the ways God is working on me, through my son's passing away. You may mistakenly think I was strong if that was all you read. But....it wouldn't be the truth. It is far from the truth. Sometimes in the grief there is hope. Sometimes in the grief there is joy. Sometimes in the grief there is healing. But sometimes the grief is just UGLY.
          When it is ugly, no one can say the right thing. You think no one could possibly understand. The only things you can seem to remember are the bad. The terrifying words of the doctors, the site of my baby boy being resuscitated, the anger, the fact that my sister was not allowed to see him until he was laying there dying. Thoughts of what I will never do with him consume me. My heart feels black. My body feels burdened. And my soul feels betrayed. 
           That is the UGLY grief that I feel like I am constantly trying to beat back with a stick. My stick is big though, and some day I will succeed in beating down that UGLY grief.  My stick looks a lot like a promise.... This promise: 

Isaiah 61:3 -to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. 

Awaiting my crown of beauty.......

I am in love with these feet!

Hank had such big feet for his tiny little body. Ugh, I could look at those feet all day. I sent this picture to his Auntie and she texted me and said, "I am in Love with that wrinkled foot!" Me too. I wish we were looking at the real thing and not just a picture.

Oh, yes... there is Joy!

Part of me thought that I would never feel it again. Not after my husband and I lowered Hank's casket into the dry, hard earth. Joy. I thought it was gone.....forever. But, a couple of weeks ago, on a Wednesday night at 7:00...... I found it. I returned for the first time to our Wednesday night children's ministry, and only expected to feel the pain. I had spend many many days thinking about the day that I would bring Hank to that very place I love. I was almost dreading going back. And then it happened..... I walked through those doors and saw the smiling faces of all of those kids I love so much, and I felt their hugs, and I heard their stories about their days, and ate supper with them I watched them sing songs to our Amazing God. And I watched the women from our church who work all day, then get off and come to prepare a meal for those kids. And they stand on their tired feet and serve us all with great big smiles and kind, kind words. Not thinking of satisfying their own hunger, they assure that all of our stomachs are nourished to prepare our souls to be too. And then, they scrub pans and sweep floors, and wipe tables. That is service. And that is love. Then we go to our classes and I listen to what the kids have to say about their faith, and I'm blown away at the perspectives they give, and the depth of some of their knowledge, and the desperate need for knowledge in others. And I listen as we gather together again to share, some of them so eager to share what they've learned that night. And then we join hands and I look into each one of their eyes as we sing, "I love you with the love of the Lord." And there it was, the joy I thought I'd never feel again. Reminding me yet again that God is good... all the time!


Deuteronomy 4:9  “Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children—

My baby died.....

            Yes....he died. Most people are afraid to say it. They say "Her baby passed away," or "She lost her son." Lost..... sometimes I even use that word, but I really don't like it. Why do people say that? Why do I say that? He's not lost.... I know exactly where he is, and he is happy, and loved, and safe in the arms of our savior. Praise God!
           I had a follow up for my foot surgery today, and am blessed to have a wonderful Christian man as a doctor. We were talking about Hank today and he even took the time to stop and look at some pictures of him. He is very sweet and sympathetic and has an aunt named Eva working for him that had a full term baby who was stillborn about 40 years ago; she still lives the pain. When we were talking about Hank, he said "I know this doesn't make things better, but he is in Heaven and he does not ever have to experience the trials and tribulations of this earth." I rejoice!
           Even so, he is gone..... and it's hard.... so, so hard. I was sitting outside watching my husband shoot the basketball, and Nathan let one of our beagles out of the yard to run around in the driveway. He picked her up, in one arm, high in the air while he shot with the other arm, and I was reminded of an old picture that I have of Nathan and his dad when he was probably around two. His Dad has Nathan raised high over his head, Nathan is holding on to the rim and the basketball is hanging just at the bottom of the net. I told Nathan it reminded me of that picture, and our thoughts immediately went to Hank. I bet we would have taken a thousand pictures just like this:

                      

Psalm 127:3 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.

September 20

This was supposed to be the day. The day of happiness, the day of joy, the day I brought my baby boy home. Instead, it marks the day that Hank has lived in Glory for 11 weeks. I miss him so much.

Blessings

I continue to be amazed by the people that the Lord has put into our lives. These people are showing me what it means to serve the Lord, by serving the "least of these." I am just one broken, stumbling woman, trying to find a way to keep my feet on the ground. You will not receive earthy glory for serving me. Likely it will go unnoticed by others. I am just "the least of these." Matthew 25:40 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." These people have had a profound effect on me, and a profound effect on the way I serve others. Here are some things that y'all are teaching me:


What it means to really pray for someone. I cannot tell you what it means to me to have someone call, or email, or text, or just come tell me that they are praying for me. It gives me strength, and I know that when I feel peace, that is where it comes from. All of you who continue to remind me that you are praying for me.... you are teaching me what it means to carry someone on your heart and daily lift them in prayer. I will never forget one text in particular that I received from a fairly new friend. I texted her to ask her about something and she responded and told me, "I love you guys! I woke up at 2:30 am Friday morning consumed with you and Hank. I prayed til about 4 am! I don't know what was going on, but I know God woke me up thinking about you." My goodness, that gives me chills. To think that God so firmly planted my name and my needs in the heart of someone like that just completely blows my mind. That one statement has changed my life. It forever changed the way I think about prayer. This one woman has taught me what it means to truly pray for someone. I'll have to talk more about her later, she is pretty amazing and has ministered to my heart like no one else.


How much a card or note can lift a spirit. I love love love getting all the sweet cards in the mail. It brightens my mood. Getting an email in the middle of the day can completely change the way my day is going. I have thought many times before that just sending someone a card wouldn't help them or change anything for them. Now, I see how uplifting that can be.


The Power of scripture. Many times when I have been feeling so low, one of you sweet sweet friends/strangers leads me to His word. You give me scriptures that give me hope, that pick me back up when I've fallen down again and think I just don't have the strength to get back up this time.
You all are helping to create a better servant of me, showing me how to humble myself to others, and lift others up. And as I serve with a heart being molded by those who are now serving by caring for me, I continue to carry my Hank as my inspiration.


1 Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.


The time you've spent laboring over me is not in vain. I am moved by your prayers and actions. They are inspiring me to do more for others, and the Lord is glorified by them.

7 Weeks Ago

It has been 7 weeks, since we laid our baby boy to rest. Lowering his tiny casket into the ground, was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Before he passed away, I got to hold him in my arms. They were ventilating him and said they would keep breathing for him as long as I wanted if I wanted to hold him for a while. But I didn't want him to suffer. As soon as Nathan and I got him in our arms I told them to stop, and I told my baby Hank that it was ok....that he could go and be with Jesus. That was hard.....so so hard. But somehow giving up his little body was even harder. At least after we let his spirit go we had his sweet little body to hold and kiss and touch. After we buried him, there was just nothing left. Nothing but the memories that I hold on to so tightly. I try so hard to hold on to them because there are so few. There should have been a lifetime of them......

My heart

I only cried a few times today. Even though I cried a few times, that still made it the best day I've had so far as far as crying goes. I only have one picture of Hank with out his CPAP mask on from when he was still alive. It was from right after he was born...he was laying there crying. I would give anything to have heard that....that amazing sound of my living, breathing, crying baby. Due to my low platelet count, the anesthesiologist would not do a spinal on me for the c-section, I had to be put to sleep. I had to miss his birth, and then I was not allowed to see him for 24 hours while I was confined to my bed on a magnesium drip. I really felt like he was ripped away from me. Everything happened so fast, and my doctor wasn't there, and I felt like I had no say in what was going on. All of that still would have sucked, not getting to experience the whole first day of his life, but since he did not live, I feel like it is so unfair and I feel devastated by it.
So, I wanted to print that one picture today. I uploaded it to Sam's website so that I could have a large picture made quickly. Shortly after submitting it, the guy from Sam's called and said, "um, I was just calling to let you know that I'm not going to be able to print this picture because it's kind of considered inappropriate." Really? He's a baby. So that made me upset, and it made me cry. I ended up cropping it, and getting it printed so it turned out fine, but sometimes it's just the littlest things that make me cry.
When I picked up that larger than life-sized picture of Hank, I looked at my beautiful boy and I just couldn't stop staring at him. He is so perfect and sweet looking. So I cried some more, aching to hold that perfect little boy in my arms. He is so hard to take my eyes off of.
He has my heart....

For some people, it seems the voice of God is so clear and so easy for them to hear. I have never had that gift. I pray for guidance, I ask the Lord what I should do, but I don't know that I ever hear the answers. A lot of times people say, "God is calling me to do..." How do I not hear Him? What is wrong with my relationship with Him that I could e unable to hear His voice? Sometimes I have strong feelings about what I should do, such as working with the youth in Tuscola, but how do I know if that is God speaking to me? I find myself questioning, second guessing, and doubting what the Lord wants me to do. How can He reveal His plans for my life to me if I cannot hear them?
I guess I am looking for the literal "voice of God," to speak to me. I cry out to Him, asking for comfort, for guidance that I may see the way out of this deep sorrow and find Joy and Hope in Him. I seek guidance in my day to day life, in the way I treat others, the way I react in situations, and the way I represent myself as a Christian woman and a servant of God. I ask for guidance as I build a legacy for my son to be remembered, since he did not have a chance to build one of his own. Hank's death has changed the way I look at life. I have really come to realize who I should be living for. My days have been passing me by, just getting by not fully glorifying God. I now live with new purpose, striving for the promised land where my sweet baby lives. One thing that I do not doubt is that my son's life was not without purpose, and I will strive every day to fulfill that purpose which I fully believe is to bring others to know God.
I have been having such a hard time lately. It seems my tears never cease to flow. I prayed this morning for strength and to be guided to what the Lord wanted me to hear today as I opened my Bible. This is what I read,
"I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you. I will sustain you and I will rescue you." Isaiah 46:4
Maybe he does speak to me...... I just need to learn how to listen. So that is what I pray, and what, if you are praying for me, I ask you to pray for me. That I will hear the Lord's words and be confident in them. Be confident that I am hearing his words, and faithful enough to listen.

I love you, Hank

I have been trying to do normal things lately. Go out of town, spend time with people other than my sister and husband, and talk on the phone more (even though I've never liked talking on the phone), and spending more time out of my house. I am doing these "normal" things, but I definitely don't feel normal. I am so tired of being asked if "I'm doing any better." No, I am not. I will never be better. I still miss my baby like crazy.

Tuesdays are hard. Every Tuesday, I was one week closer to term, one week closer to meeting my sweet boy. Tuesday is also the day Hank passed away. Every Tuesday evening at 6:30, he's been gone one more week. It's been five weeks now. Five weeks living on earth without my precious little boy. I do more, see more people, even spend time with people, but I still hurt as much as I did the day my baby boy left me.

I was reading another woman's blog and I liked her perspective on milestones. Instead of living 5 weeks without my baby, I am five weeks closer to being with him. I like that better. I just have to try to not think of the innumerable days/weeks that will pass before I do see him again.

Monday, I am supposed to start back to work. I'm feeling really anxious about this. It is hard to be around other people. It is exhausting trying to get through a whole day walking in sadness. And getting through an 8 hour work day without crying seems impossible. Tears are always on the verge of spilling and I just never know what will send them tumbling down my cheeks.

I have always thought that I was a strong person. I can walk through physical pain day in and day out. I am mentally tough too, I never give up. I don't let too much get to me, and I let things go pretty quickly. But I have never experienced this depth of sadness. It is life-altering. It is hard and overwhelming. This is what is seeing me through this time...when I feel broken and without hope:

Isaiah 51:11 - The ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

A day will come when my God will save me from the agony of my sorrow. He will heal me and build me back up after having been broken down and unrecognizable. That day will be a long day in coming.... but I have Faith that it will. It is by this faith that I pull myself out of bed in the morning, and make it through my day.

I find myself focusing so much on the pain and loss I have experienced, that I forget to be thatnkful about my many blessings.......so I will end this post with a bit about my husband.

My husband is amazing and wonderful and sweet and funny and a compassionate Godly man. I am so thankful for him, he and my sister have been my crutches, there one on each side, ready to catch me any time I wobble or threaten to fall. They are always encouraging me, and reminding me that I am the one who I am sad for, that our Angel is is in the arms of our glorious maker...never to feel pain,or anxiety, or sadness, or despair. I know in my heart that he knows I love him. I ask my heavenly father to hug and kiss him every morning when I wake and every evening before I sleep. I tell him that I love him all the time. I hope that I can learn to use that love I feel for him for strength. Strength to get me throughout he day, to be kind to others, to grow stronger in spirit and stronger in faith, and to be a bright shining light for the Lord, the way my baby taught me to be.

Crying

The lactation consultant called tonight. She asked how Hank and I were doing. I had to tell her that he died. She was really nice and said she'd pray for me....but I still cried. I cried so hard it hurt. And then I cried some more. It's just not fair. I should be visiting him in the NICU, maybe even getting to hold him by now. But I'm not. I'm at home crying and telling the lactation consultant that my baby died, and calling the social security administration to report his death so that no one steals my dead baby's identity. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Guilt

Guilt has been crowding my mind lately. It keeps creeping in there mixing around with the sadness. Several people have told me not to feel guilty, that this is not my fault, there was nothing I could do, but I still feel guilty. No, I could not control the hellp syndrome that put both mine and Hank's life at risk, but it did happen to my body. He had to come out because my body was shutting down. How do you not feel guilty about that? I am his mother and I failed him.
I feel guilty that I did not get to spend enough time with him before he died. Because of the preeclampsia, I had to remain on bed rest for more than 24 hours after I delivered on a magnesium drip. Speaking of the mag, there is some more guilt. I was so drugged by the residual anesthesia, the pain meds, and mag, that I was so confused about everything that was going on. I kept having to ask what day he was born (I had been in and out of the hospital for several days), and how much he weighed and how long he was. I had to ask my husband every time someone asked me these questions and that made me feel awful! So because of my being confined to the bed over 24 hours after my surgery, my son was more than one day old before I got to see him. I couldn't wait to see him! But, I had to..... no visiting from 630 to 830 due to shift change. Meanwhile I got switched to my postpartum room where my nurse wants me to get out of wheelchair and into bed for an "assessment." Keep in mind this is the first time I've gotten up in about 2 days, I have an incision that has not been moved yet, and no pain medication. So after painfully getting into bed, she took my blood pressure, felt my uterus, and looked at my bleeding. Then she gave me 2 vicodin and said I needed to walk all the way to the nursery (I couldn't even sit up straight) Then she recommended me wait until my pain meds kicked in and then go to the NICU. Was she crazy? I needed to meet my baby. Everyone else had see him except me and I was not about to wait one more minute. So I try to take off with my IV pole no success, my incision feels like it is tearing open, so I went in a wheelchair with the instruction that I needed to walk the whole way back. Then I got to meet my sweet, perfect baby and nothing else mattered. I held on to his soft little hand and he held on too. I looked at all of his perfect, tiny body parts and was in awe of him. I only got to visit him one more time before he started getting sick. So I feel guilt that I did not get to see him or touch him, or be there for him enough when he was alive.
I also feel guilty because I want to have another baby......so bad. I want to as soon as possible. I know no one will ever replace him, but I feel guilty for wanting another baby. I hope that it will take away some of the pain of not having my baby to hold in my arms. But I feel guilty for having those feelings. I have always wanted lots of kids, but when I found out Hank was coming, I was scared that we weren't ready. I was selfish and didn't know if I was ready to have the responsibility of caring for someone all the time. As soon as Hank was born, I knew I would do anything for him, and I realized that I have always been ready to be a mom. Having him for those two short days made my desire to be a mom so intense that I now feel anxious that I won't have a baby soon enough.
I have guilt for wishing that I had died too. Then I would be with him, holding him in my arms in heaven. I feel guilty for wishing that because there are so many people that love me and would miss me. I feel guilty because I know what that would have done to my husband. And I feel guilty because that feels like choosing my baby over my husband. I feel ashamed because I know now more than ever that life is precious, every day a gift from God... and I am taking it for granted.
But most of all, I feel guilty because I lived............ and he didn't.

What was supposed to be

Before yesterday, I hadn't posted on my blog in a really long time. I had planned on blogging again when Hank was born. It was supposed to be a place to brag and show off pictures and talk about all the cute things he did. But now nothing is the way it was supposed to be. It never will be again. My heart will always hurt, and my family will never be complete. It will always be missing someone....forever. And that thought is absolutely overwhelming. To think that I will feel this pain and emptiness forever, it's just so exhausting and hopeless feeling. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but I often find myself grieving for moments that should be happening in the future, but will not. So it's here that I've decided to try to deal, and to write my thoughts, my fears, my grief. If you continue to read, be warned many times, I will be sad....and so my posts will be sad. Read at your own risk, you may not want to know all you may read here. If you are close to me and you get your feelings hurt easy, you may not want to read because If you say something that hurts or offends me, you will likely see me talk about it here. So here starts my journey...my journey of grief and how I learn to deal.

Pain I cannot begin to describe

1 week ago yesterday, Nathan and I laid our sweet, beautiful, curly blond haired baby boy Hank to rest in a tiny grave out at McBee's cemetery. The pain, the sorrow, the hurt, was more than I could have ever imagined. As my husband and I lowered our baby's casket into his little grave, I felt like my heart was so broken that if I bent over any further, it just might all fall out and land shattered around his casket. I had a deep physical pain, a need to hold my baby. It took everything I had in me to not crawl down in that grave with him and wrap my arms around his casket and cry and beg to just be buried with him. I wanted to be with him forever. But, I knew that was not a choice I had.
I have to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my husband, and we can heal together. I cannot abandon my earthly duties. Something that gives me great comfort is that my sweet Hank left this earth perfect, just as God wants us to be. He had no time to sin. It is so special to me that he will be entering heaven as a perfect little angel. There are very few who have this honor. Once we begin to walk and talk, we also begin to sin. And the older we become, the more opportunities to sin.
So you can see why I cannot abandon my earthly duties.....we are all sinners out here walking and talking, and sinning. Our children must be guided, taught about God, and led down the path to righteousness. So many children do not have someone to tell them about Jesus. They do not learn of his love or his sacrifice, or his expectations for us. So that is what I have to do... I have to make sure that children have an opportunity to come to know God. I have to make sure they know someone loves them, and cares about them, and wants to see them in heaven.
But it will be oh so hard..... My kids at church have spent hours trying to name my baby. When I see them again in August, I was supposed to be very pregnant. And we were supposed to have Hank September 20, to bring home to us, and then to his church home, for everyone to love and kiss and hold. He was supposed to be in the nursery that the church was getting ready just for him. And he was supposed to grow up in our youth group and cause all kinds of trouble because I'm sure he would've acted just like his daddy. Instead..... when I see them again, my womb will be empty, as will my arms, and my heart will still be in a million pieces.