Surrender

         Lord, I do so want to surrender all to you. To honestly favor    Your will over mine. To really want to live Your plan for me. But, this is not how I pictured it....The Plan. And it seems that I'm a bit of a control freak Lord, and I wanted Your plan to look more like mine. 

        I planned to be living in the country, outside of Tuscola. To own the land that this heart loves. And to be close to the church that this soul needs. 

         I'm not, I'm renting a house in the middle of a neighborhood in Abilene. Where people get shot and killed down the street from me. 
But also where I met some amazing Christian neighbors who came and loved on us, and brought us a delicious home-cooked meal after they learned that Hank had passed away. A sweet friendship is now developing.
         In this He speaks to me: "Open your eyes my child and SEE! See what I have given you. I have given you community in both those neighbors as well as in your property manager who personally knows your hurt and your struggle. "

           I planned to have several kids by now, but I've only had one and you took him for Your Glory. 
          He says to me "His days are better served in my Kingdom, and you will serve mightily on this earth  because of those two days he lived. "

             I planned to be a stay at home mom, but with the way the economy is looking, I don't know if that will ever happen. Because owning land and raising animals, and growing hearts of children is expensive.
            Again he says, "Look at what I have given to you! A job you love, serving students you love, and opportunity! A job where it is, in fact, encouraged to share the Word of the Lord. Use this opportunity! Open your mouth and speak the good Word!"

          I planned to raise my kids to love each other and love Jesus, but how will I teach them to love a brother they will never meet. He says to me, "Do not be afraid or anxious. I will guide you as you share Hank with your other kids.... all you have to do is ask........ and then listen. Be still with me."


          How do I get past this hurt and this obsessive infatuation with my own plan. Because I can still see my 80 year old self sitting on the porch with Nathan watching our cows graze, our grand and great-grandchildren playing, my miniature donkey, drinking from the pond full of ducks. A house full of life, fields full of life, and barns full of life. And I worry that His plan will be so different from what my heart desires.
         I am a sad lump of clay, Lord, turned hard by this cold, cold season of grief, sadness, and hurt in my life. Lord please work on my soul....mold my clay, warm it back to flexible, and MOLD ME. Mold my heart to desire your good and perfect plan for me and my family. I want to surrender to you. You're everything, everything.
         I need you daily to remind me... Not my will but Thine be done. Because I'm a fighter, Lord. And I will want to fight for those things that I love, I will fight to make my plan the greater one, the more important one. Lord shape me and prepare me for this next season in my life. Help me to remember that your plans are goodness and the maps to Glory.

"I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee my precious Savior, I surrender all. "