Crying

The lactation consultant called tonight. She asked how Hank and I were doing. I had to tell her that he died. She was really nice and said she'd pray for me....but I still cried. I cried so hard it hurt. And then I cried some more. It's just not fair. I should be visiting him in the NICU, maybe even getting to hold him by now. But I'm not. I'm at home crying and telling the lactation consultant that my baby died, and calling the social security administration to report his death so that no one steals my dead baby's identity. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.