I Need You Lord

         5 months ago, I remember thinking I can't believe my life is this good. Nathan was done with radiology school and had a good job working in the hospital, I was finally getting to spend time with him on a regular basis for the first time in our four years of marriage, I was in a job that I spent many hours praying about that would allow me to spend time with our family, Sammy (our rescued cat with glaucoma and a lot of other issues) had been found after a day and two nights of being out on the streets on his own, our church had just asked Nathan to take on the role of youth minister at our church (a place that we love and searched for for more than two years, and a dream of mine to have my house filled with a youth group), and we were expecting our first child, so unexpected but so, so wanted and loved. I remember thinking about that time, nothing bad has happened to us in a long time.... it was an eerie feeling that our time for heartache or hardship was coming. Little did I know the heartache that was ahead of us, a heartache that I could have never prepared for or imagined.
          I didn't need God then, when life was easy and good. Sure I went to church and worshiped Him.... but I didn't have an I need you relationship, the kind of relationship that grows from total reliance on Him. Since Hank died, I need Him. I need Him to get up every morning. I need Him to make myself go to work. I need Him when I'm asking a patient their birth date, and it's close to Hank's. I need Him to smile. I need Him to find joy. I need Him to get get through the day. I need Him. I rely on Him to live.     
         Why did I have to loose my son to gain this type of relationship with God? To need Him to function, to breathe? Why did my reliance on His word have to come from a need to ease the sadness? Why didn't I hunger for Him when life was so good?
       
I need you Lord.... and I am so unworthy of your Grace.