My heart

I only cried a few times today. Even though I cried a few times, that still made it the best day I've had so far as far as crying goes. I only have one picture of Hank with out his CPAP mask on from when he was still alive. It was from right after he was born...he was laying there crying. I would give anything to have heard that....that amazing sound of my living, breathing, crying baby. Due to my low platelet count, the anesthesiologist would not do a spinal on me for the c-section, I had to be put to sleep. I had to miss his birth, and then I was not allowed to see him for 24 hours while I was confined to my bed on a magnesium drip. I really felt like he was ripped away from me. Everything happened so fast, and my doctor wasn't there, and I felt like I had no say in what was going on. All of that still would have sucked, not getting to experience the whole first day of his life, but since he did not live, I feel like it is so unfair and I feel devastated by it.
So, I wanted to print that one picture today. I uploaded it to Sam's website so that I could have a large picture made quickly. Shortly after submitting it, the guy from Sam's called and said, "um, I was just calling to let you know that I'm not going to be able to print this picture because it's kind of considered inappropriate." Really? He's a baby. So that made me upset, and it made me cry. I ended up cropping it, and getting it printed so it turned out fine, but sometimes it's just the littlest things that make me cry.
When I picked up that larger than life-sized picture of Hank, I looked at my beautiful boy and I just couldn't stop staring at him. He is so perfect and sweet looking. So I cried some more, aching to hold that perfect little boy in my arms. He is so hard to take my eyes off of.
He has my heart....