This song says it so perfectly. I am just feeling so homesick. I have never longed for Heaven as I do now. This is not where I belong. I belong with my baby boy. I've heard people speak of this feeling before. A feeling of never being quite satisfied or filled by their life on earth. It wasn't something that I really understood before. Although Heaven has always been something I long for, I have never prayed...Lord come quickly, as I whole-heartedly do now. Heaven was an ultimate goal. One to follow a long, full, good life. If you asked me if I was ready to go to Heaven before, I probably would have said yes, but after I get married, or after.... fill in the blank. There was always something else I wanted to do before I'm called home. That's because I was living for a full earthly life. Now that a part of me is no longer living on this earth, I have a better understanding of what it's like to be unfulfilled by an earthly life. I long to be with him, to hold him, to kiss him, to see him again. I long to be in Heaven with him. Typing these words hurts. I see how I still long for the desires of my own heart. I should be filled with a longing for Jesus. For the day I will look into His eyes and fall to my knees in worship of Him. I desire to long for Heaven to meet my maker....not just to see my son again. But, there is the beauty in longing for Hank...... It is teaching me to long for Jesus like I never have before and His perfect and complete healing of my heart.
Philippians 3:20-21 For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ;
who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with
the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to
subject all things to Himself.
Development: The ears are moving to the sides of the head, and the eyes are moving to their proper place on the front of the face.
Weight gain: haven't weighed this week.
Pregnancy symptoms: round ligament pains and starting to get a little belly bump.
I have been trying to let myself start preparing for this baby. For some reason, when I was pregnant with Hank, I just kept putting off things like buying a crib and deciding on a color for the nursery. I just kept thinking I should wait until closer to his due date. Maybe it was God helping to prepare my heart for what was to come. So, I continue to pray for for this baby's growth and health. And I pray for God to prepare my heart.... this time, for teaching my child to know and love the Lord.
James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from
above, coming down from the Father of lights with
whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
Size: This little one will grow to about the size of a lemon this week.
Development: Movements are becoming more smooth and less jerky. The neck is growing longer and the body is straightening out. Also, his/her hair is growing! On the head, eyebrows, and the all over body hair for warmth. That body hair will fall out as body fat starts to accumulate.
Wight gain: lost 2 pounds, but had an ultrasound last week and the baby's size measured correct to the day! So good news!
Pregnancy symptoms: Less fatigue, still having some nausea, round ligament pains (yea!), and occasional dizziness.
I went to my OB last Thursday and everything looks great. Baby measured perfectly, no protein in my urine, liver enzymes drawn at the last appointment were perfect, and my blood pressure was good. The little jumping bean was moving around a lot. Prayers for continued growth and for my blood vessels to remain relaxed are much appreciated.
Here are a couple of pictures of my cutie from the last ultrasound:
The machine in his office isn't great, so the pictures aren't either. My next appointment will be in 4-5 weeks with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. He has an awesome machine and we will likely be able to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. Place your bets. Nathan and I have both had dreams that it was a boy. But.... I have a really amazing story that makes me think otherwise ( I will share another time).
Today also marks a special day for my Hank. He is six months old today. I wish more than anything with my selfish heart that we were celebrating this milestone with him here on earth. Just looking at those words makes me feel like a bad mom. How could I wish for him to endure the trials of earth when he is in paradise in the arms of his Creator? But I do want it....... more than anything. We survived Christmas without him. It was not fun, nor was it easy. We showed up where we were supposed to and exchanged the gifts we were supposed to. But, my heart was not there. Neither was my head half of the time. And though I know that I am so blessed to be carrying another child already, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that no matter how many other children I have, my heart will always have this hole. There will always be someone missing at Christmas.
Happy 6 months my baby boy. I miss you more that my words can ever express. I love you like crazy, Momma
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-22 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under
heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a
time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a
time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time
to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away
stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a
time to refrain from embracing; ...
