Crying

The lactation consultant called tonight. She asked how Hank and I were doing. I had to tell her that he died. She was really nice and said she'd pray for me....but I still cried. I cried so hard it hurt. And then I cried some more. It's just not fair. I should be visiting him in the NICU, maybe even getting to hold him by now. But I'm not. I'm at home crying and telling the lactation consultant that my baby died, and calling the social security administration to report his death so that no one steals my dead baby's identity. This wasn't how it was supposed to be.

Guilt

Guilt has been crowding my mind lately. It keeps creeping in there mixing around with the sadness. Several people have told me not to feel guilty, that this is not my fault, there was nothing I could do, but I still feel guilty. No, I could not control the hellp syndrome that put both mine and Hank's life at risk, but it did happen to my body. He had to come out because my body was shutting down. How do you not feel guilty about that? I am his mother and I failed him.
I feel guilty that I did not get to spend enough time with him before he died. Because of the preeclampsia, I had to remain on bed rest for more than 24 hours after I delivered on a magnesium drip. Speaking of the mag, there is some more guilt. I was so drugged by the residual anesthesia, the pain meds, and mag, that I was so confused about everything that was going on. I kept having to ask what day he was born (I had been in and out of the hospital for several days), and how much he weighed and how long he was. I had to ask my husband every time someone asked me these questions and that made me feel awful! So because of my being confined to the bed over 24 hours after my surgery, my son was more than one day old before I got to see him. I couldn't wait to see him! But, I had to..... no visiting from 630 to 830 due to shift change. Meanwhile I got switched to my postpartum room where my nurse wants me to get out of wheelchair and into bed for an "assessment." Keep in mind this is the first time I've gotten up in about 2 days, I have an incision that has not been moved yet, and no pain medication. So after painfully getting into bed, she took my blood pressure, felt my uterus, and looked at my bleeding. Then she gave me 2 vicodin and said I needed to walk all the way to the nursery (I couldn't even sit up straight) Then she recommended me wait until my pain meds kicked in and then go to the NICU. Was she crazy? I needed to meet my baby. Everyone else had see him except me and I was not about to wait one more minute. So I try to take off with my IV pole no success, my incision feels like it is tearing open, so I went in a wheelchair with the instruction that I needed to walk the whole way back. Then I got to meet my sweet, perfect baby and nothing else mattered. I held on to his soft little hand and he held on too. I looked at all of his perfect, tiny body parts and was in awe of him. I only got to visit him one more time before he started getting sick. So I feel guilt that I did not get to see him or touch him, or be there for him enough when he was alive.
I also feel guilty because I want to have another baby......so bad. I want to as soon as possible. I know no one will ever replace him, but I feel guilty for wanting another baby. I hope that it will take away some of the pain of not having my baby to hold in my arms. But I feel guilty for having those feelings. I have always wanted lots of kids, but when I found out Hank was coming, I was scared that we weren't ready. I was selfish and didn't know if I was ready to have the responsibility of caring for someone all the time. As soon as Hank was born, I knew I would do anything for him, and I realized that I have always been ready to be a mom. Having him for those two short days made my desire to be a mom so intense that I now feel anxious that I won't have a baby soon enough.
I have guilt for wishing that I had died too. Then I would be with him, holding him in my arms in heaven. I feel guilty for wishing that because there are so many people that love me and would miss me. I feel guilty because I know what that would have done to my husband. And I feel guilty because that feels like choosing my baby over my husband. I feel ashamed because I know now more than ever that life is precious, every day a gift from God... and I am taking it for granted.
But most of all, I feel guilty because I lived............ and he didn't.

What was supposed to be

Before yesterday, I hadn't posted on my blog in a really long time. I had planned on blogging again when Hank was born. It was supposed to be a place to brag and show off pictures and talk about all the cute things he did. But now nothing is the way it was supposed to be. It never will be again. My heart will always hurt, and my family will never be complete. It will always be missing someone....forever. And that thought is absolutely overwhelming. To think that I will feel this pain and emptiness forever, it's just so exhausting and hopeless feeling. I'm trying to take it one day at a time, but I often find myself grieving for moments that should be happening in the future, but will not. So it's here that I've decided to try to deal, and to write my thoughts, my fears, my grief. If you continue to read, be warned many times, I will be sad....and so my posts will be sad. Read at your own risk, you may not want to know all you may read here. If you are close to me and you get your feelings hurt easy, you may not want to read because If you say something that hurts or offends me, you will likely see me talk about it here. So here starts my journey...my journey of grief and how I learn to deal.

Pain I cannot begin to describe

1 week ago yesterday, Nathan and I laid our sweet, beautiful, curly blond haired baby boy Hank to rest in a tiny grave out at McBee's cemetery. The pain, the sorrow, the hurt, was more than I could have ever imagined. As my husband and I lowered our baby's casket into his little grave, I felt like my heart was so broken that if I bent over any further, it just might all fall out and land shattered around his casket. I had a deep physical pain, a need to hold my baby. It took everything I had in me to not crawl down in that grave with him and wrap my arms around his casket and cry and beg to just be buried with him. I wanted to be with him forever. But, I knew that was not a choice I had.
I have to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my husband, and we can heal together. I cannot abandon my earthly duties. Something that gives me great comfort is that my sweet Hank left this earth perfect, just as God wants us to be. He had no time to sin. It is so special to me that he will be entering heaven as a perfect little angel. There are very few who have this honor. Once we begin to walk and talk, we also begin to sin. And the older we become, the more opportunities to sin.
So you can see why I cannot abandon my earthly duties.....we are all sinners out here walking and talking, and sinning. Our children must be guided, taught about God, and led down the path to righteousness. So many children do not have someone to tell them about Jesus. They do not learn of his love or his sacrifice, or his expectations for us. So that is what I have to do... I have to make sure that children have an opportunity to come to know God. I have to make sure they know someone loves them, and cares about them, and wants to see them in heaven.
But it will be oh so hard..... My kids at church have spent hours trying to name my baby. When I see them again in August, I was supposed to be very pregnant. And we were supposed to have Hank September 20, to bring home to us, and then to his church home, for everyone to love and kiss and hold. He was supposed to be in the nursery that the church was getting ready just for him. And he was supposed to grow up in our youth group and cause all kinds of trouble because I'm sure he would've acted just like his daddy. Instead..... when I see them again, my womb will be empty, as will my arms, and my heart will still be in a million pieces.