Pain I cannot begin to describe

1 week ago yesterday, Nathan and I laid our sweet, beautiful, curly blond haired baby boy Hank to rest in a tiny grave out at McBee's cemetery. The pain, the sorrow, the hurt, was more than I could have ever imagined. As my husband and I lowered our baby's casket into his little grave, I felt like my heart was so broken that if I bent over any further, it just might all fall out and land shattered around his casket. I had a deep physical pain, a need to hold my baby. It took everything I had in me to not crawl down in that grave with him and wrap my arms around his casket and cry and beg to just be buried with him. I wanted to be with him forever. But, I knew that was not a choice I had.
I have to take care of myself, so that I can take care of my husband, and we can heal together. I cannot abandon my earthly duties. Something that gives me great comfort is that my sweet Hank left this earth perfect, just as God wants us to be. He had no time to sin. It is so special to me that he will be entering heaven as a perfect little angel. There are very few who have this honor. Once we begin to walk and talk, we also begin to sin. And the older we become, the more opportunities to sin.
So you can see why I cannot abandon my earthly duties.....we are all sinners out here walking and talking, and sinning. Our children must be guided, taught about God, and led down the path to righteousness. So many children do not have someone to tell them about Jesus. They do not learn of his love or his sacrifice, or his expectations for us. So that is what I have to do... I have to make sure that children have an opportunity to come to know God. I have to make sure they know someone loves them, and cares about them, and wants to see them in heaven.
But it will be oh so hard..... My kids at church have spent hours trying to name my baby. When I see them again in August, I was supposed to be very pregnant. And we were supposed to have Hank September 20, to bring home to us, and then to his church home, for everyone to love and kiss and hold. He was supposed to be in the nursery that the church was getting ready just for him. And he was supposed to grow up in our youth group and cause all kinds of trouble because I'm sure he would've acted just like his daddy. Instead..... when I see them again, my womb will be empty, as will my arms, and my heart will still be in a million pieces.