I've been waiting for this day for 5 weeks.... my first appointment with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. Looking back on my pregnancy with Hank, the first sign of pre eclampsia was at about 17 weeks when his arms and legs were measuring 1 to 2 weeks behind in growth. Pre eclampsia causes increased pressure in the blood vessels... including the ones delivering nutrients to the baby which caused Hank to be small.
I was so excited that this appointment was here. That is until I got to his office. Then, I was terrified. All my excitement was taken over by fear. We got called back to the room and the tech squirted gel all over my belly. I couldn't even speak to her. My stomach was in a knot. That sweet image of my baby came on the screen and I could barely see it through the tears welling in my eyes.
And then, she started measuring. And the measurements were 18 weeks and 2 days, 18 weeks and 4 days, 18 weeks and 3 days. I couldn't believe it... my baby was measuring just right. She began looking around at organs. I was just watching the screen, unable to ask her anything because I was still just so fearful. She took a picture and labeled it kidneys.... yes kidneys with an s. I thought yes! There were two kidneys just like there is supposed to be! Then, she looked at the heart, and let us hear that sweet heartbeat. What a wonderful sound. What a wonderful sight. I saw four chambers just like there should be!
The tech pointed out feet and hands, and a sweet little nose. She knew we wanted her to put the gender in an envelope for us. So, she had us look away, she looked between the legs and typed on the picture the words we will be seeing on Saturday. She said the baby weighs 8 oz, which is half a pound and very good. Then she said the most relieving words.... " You can wipe the gel off with the towel."
She was done, and the doctor didn't need to look some more himself. That meant everything was OK!
Thank you Jesus that my baby is healthy and growing as it should be right now! And my blood pressure is good. And he said the chances are that won't happen to me again. He was so very nice and reassuring and promised to watch me very closely and take good care of me. He will see me every two weeks to make sure the baby continues to grow as it should. Thank you all for your prayers this far and I ask that you continue to pray for us and the little one. I am now 18 1/2 weeks.... 21 weeks to go!
Here are some pictures of this sweet little one....
This weekend, my sweet sister is throwing us a little party. A little party
with some big news..... Nathan and I, with all of our family and
friends, will find out if we are having a little boy or a little girl.
I'm so excited, I can hardly stand it!
Thank you Lord for this blessing of good health today and for your amazing creation. I am in awe of the way You made our bodies to create life, to grow and sustain it. I give You the glory... for Your creation. And this baby I will give to You, and teach this sweet one to to live for You. I am thankful, but so unworthy of Your gifts.
1 Chronicles 16:8 - Oh give thanks to the LORD, call upon His name; Make known His deeds among the peoples.
On this day 6 years ago, Nathan asked me to be his wife. It was quite the proposal, and I've spend every day since being thankful he chose me.
I turned on the TV the other day and ESPN was on. The news guy had a wall of women in swimsuits that he called his inspiration wall. I feel so blessed that the picture on the wall my husband stares at is the one of me on our wedding day.
It's hanging on the wall beside the bed, and he refuses to let me move it. He says it's his picture and it's the only one in the house that he gets to say where it goes. I'm no model, so I am so thankful for the love that makes that the prettiest picture he's ever seen. And I thank God for the man He has chosen for me to live my days with.
Well, in just a few minutes I am going to spend the weekend with 24 other Hope Moms. Hope Mommies is doing a retreat for women who have had to say goodbye to their babies. I hope that you will be in prayer for each of them, and me, as we open our hearts to each other and to the word of the Lord this weekend.
Looking forward to a weekend of blessings, I hope yours is blessed as well.
This song says it so perfectly. I am just feeling so homesick. I have never longed for Heaven as I do now. This is not where I belong. I belong with my baby boy.
I've heard people speak of this feeling before. A feeling of never being quite satisfied or filled by their life on earth. It wasn't something that I really understood before. Although Heaven has always been something I long for, I have never prayed...Lord come quickly, as I whole-heartedly do now. Heaven was an ultimate goal. One to follow a long, full, good life. If you asked me if I was ready to go to Heaven before, I probably would have said yes, but after I get married, or after.... fill in the blank. There was always something else I wanted to do before I'm called home.
That's because I was living for a full earthly life. Now that a part of me is no longer living on this earth, I have a better understanding of what it's like to be unfulfilled by an earthly life. I long to be with him, to hold him, to kiss him, to see him again. I long to be in Heaven with him.
Typing these words hurts. I see how I still long for the desires of my own heart. I should be filled with a longing for Jesus. For the day I will look into His eyes and fall to my knees in worship of Him. I desire to long for Heaven to meet my maker....not just to see my son again.
But, there is the beauty in longing for Hank...... It is teaching me to long for Jesus like I never have before and His perfect and complete healing of my heart.
Philippians 3:20-21
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ;
who will transform the body of our humble state into conformity with
the body of His glory, by the exertion of the power that He has even to
subject all things to Himself.
Countdown: 25 Weeks and 6 days to go
Size: about the size of an orange
Development: The ears are moving to the sides of the head, and the eyes are moving to their proper place on the front of the face.
Weight gain: haven't weighed this week.
Pregnancy symptoms: round ligament pains and starting to get a little belly bump.
I have been trying to let myself start preparing for this baby. For some reason, when I was pregnant with Hank, I just kept putting off things like buying a crib and deciding on a color for the nursery. I just kept thinking I should wait until closer to his due date. Maybe it was God helping to prepare my heart for what was to come. So, I continue to pray for for this baby's growth and health. And I pray for God to prepare my heart.... this time, for teaching my child to know and love the Lord.
James 1:17
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from
above, coming down from the Father of lights with
whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.
Countdown: 26 weeks and 4 days to go!
Size: This little one will grow to about the size of a lemon this week.
Development: Movements are becoming more smooth and less jerky. The neck is growing longer and the body is straightening out. Also, his/her hair is growing! On the head, eyebrows, and the all over body hair for warmth. That body hair will fall out as body fat starts to accumulate.
Wight gain: lost 2 pounds, but had an ultrasound last week and the baby's size measured correct to the day! So good news!
Pregnancy symptoms: Less fatigue, still having some nausea, round ligament pains (yea!), and occasional dizziness.
I went to my OB last Thursday and everything looks great. Baby measured perfectly, no protein in my urine, liver enzymes drawn at the last appointment were perfect, and my blood pressure was good. The little jumping bean was moving around a lot. Prayers for continued growth and for my blood vessels to remain relaxed are much appreciated.
Here are a couple of pictures of my cutie from the last ultrasound:
The machine in his office isn't great, so the pictures aren't either. My next appointment will be in 4-5 weeks with the maternal fetal medicine specialist. He has an awesome machine and we will likely be able to find out if we are having a boy or a girl. Place your bets. Nathan and I have both had dreams that it was a boy. But.... I have a really amazing story that makes me think otherwise ( I will share another time).
Today also marks a special day for my Hank. He is six months old today. I wish more than anything with my selfish heart that we were celebrating this milestone with him here on earth. Just looking at those words makes me feel like a bad mom. How could I wish for him to endure the trials of earth when he is in paradise in the arms of his Creator? But I do want it....... more than anything. We survived Christmas without him. It was not fun, nor was it easy. We showed up where we were supposed to and exchanged the gifts we were supposed to. But, my heart was not there. Neither was my head half of the time. And though I know that I am so blessed to be carrying another child already, I am sometimes overwhelmed by the fact that no matter how many other children I have, my heart will always have this hole. There will always be someone missing at Christmas.
Happy 6 months my baby boy. I miss you more that my words can ever express.
I love you like crazy,
Momma
Ecclesiastes 3: 1-22
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under
heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a
time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a
time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time
to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away
stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a
time to refrain from embracing; ...
Well, I never did get around to posting an 11 week update and I can't believe week 12 is here already!
Countdown: 28 Weeks to GO!
Size: The baby will reach 3 inches this week- about the size of a peach
Development: All over growth in the body this week, the placenta is growing and getting ready to take over nourishing the baby (Whattoexpect.com). This week, our prayers should be for safe and complete movement of the intestines from their umbilical cavity to the stomach and the development of vocal chords that will give this little one a sweet little voice.
Weight Gain: None that has stuck so far. There are two pounds that come and go, but haven't hung around. But.... no more loss these past two weeks!
Pregnancy Symptoms: Still a little nauseous, some days are worse than others. Still exhausted, but that should get better in the next couple of weeks as I move in to the second trimester. Still have a sore chest, and a new one.... my absolute favorite...... round ligament pains! I really do like them, I'm not just being sarcastic. For every one of those little pains I have, I celebrate. I celebrate because I know that it means that my uterus and my baby are growing! And there just isn't any better feeling than that.
Thank you for your prayers! I've had a peace about this pregnancy that I didn't think was going to be possible, and I know it's because I'm being lifted in daily prayers.
Bad things happen in life. It is through experiencing great sadness that you can truly experience great joy. Sad things happen to us. Sad things happen to our friends and sometimes we take them on as our own sadness. And soon, if you're not careful, you're counting your sorrows and not your blessings. There is thankfulness in all things. Sometimes its hard to see the thanks through the hurt or the sadness or the anger. It is so easy to go through life, forgetting to thank God for all that he gives us. He gives so much that we just take for granted.
I read a book this summer called One Thousand Gifts. It was kind of hard to get into at first because her writing style is so different. But the message was amazing, and much needed. It is the author's story of her journey to living thankfulness. A journey that started by a challenge to write down one thousand things she was thankful for. She began to look for thanks in all things and to her surprising she found it.....everywhere.
His desire for us it to be thankful, lifting hands in praise to Him for all that he gives.
2 TIMOTHY 3:1-2
1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come:
2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient
to parents, unthankful, unholy.
We can get to that point so
easily, becoming so wrapped up in ourselves....our idea of what will
make us happy, our selfishness.
I love listening to one of the little boys at my church pray. He
thanks God for the day, for the people we are with, and of all
things.....the trees that give us oxygen. He is 8. We think we are
teaching them.... but oh, the things they teach us.
1 THESSALONIANS 5:18
18 in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
This is my desire, and what I'm trying to make my focus this
holiday season. This Christmas is going to be so difficult. I just want
to close my eyes and let it pass by without me. It seems so much easier
than dealing with the pain of Hank's absence. It's funny how the absence
of someone can take up so much space in a room.
Every year, the
day after Thanksgiving, my house is decorated inside and out for
Christmas. Even my kitchen and bathrooms are decorated. I love the
lights and how my house feels with a Christmas tree lit up in the
window. This year, it looks so different. No tree. No lights. No
Christmas potholders. No peppermint candle burning. No Christmas wreaths
or door mats. No Hank.
What should have been our first Christmas
together, has turned into our first Christmas without him. And it is so,
so hard not to focus on that huge absence of such a small little boy.
But there is still thankfulness. I'm thankful for the time we did have
together. Thankful for the precious look Hank gave me when he recognized my
voice. Thankful for all that Jesus has taught me since he died, and how
He has held me upright through this. I'm thankful for reasons to smile.
Thankful for the picture my sister sent me of Hank's ornament on her
tree. I'm thankful that even though I can't do that for him this year,
that she made sure he was remembered at her house. I'm thankful for my
family's patience and love as I struggle to keep on living without him.
I'm thankful for the most wonderful, understanding husband. God could
not have given me a better gift than him. I am thankful for new life,
for eternal life, and for the hope that brings.
My hope is that
no matter what your struggles are this holiday season, financial struggles,
loneliness, loss, guilt, unhappiness, physical pain, or emotional pain.....
that you find thankfulness and that it fills you.
