Keepin' it real...

        In the words of the Pioneer Woman.... I'm keeping it real today.
        It is easy, when your writing a blog to "edit" your life and make it look pretty. It would be so much easier to just write about the ways God is working on me, through my son's passing away. You may mistakenly think I was strong if that was all you read. But....it wouldn't be the truth. It is far from the truth. Sometimes in the grief there is hope. Sometimes in the grief there is joy. Sometimes in the grief there is healing. But sometimes the grief is just UGLY.
          When it is ugly, no one can say the right thing. You think no one could possibly understand. The only things you can seem to remember are the bad. The terrifying words of the doctors, the site of my baby boy being resuscitated, the anger, the fact that my sister was not allowed to see him until he was laying there dying. Thoughts of what I will never do with him consume me. My heart feels black. My body feels burdened. And my soul feels betrayed. 
           That is the UGLY grief that I feel like I am constantly trying to beat back with a stick. My stick is big though, and some day I will succeed in beating down that UGLY grief.  My stick looks a lot like a promise.... This promise: 

Isaiah 61:3 -to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. 

Awaiting my crown of beauty.......

I am in love with these feet!

Hank had such big feet for his tiny little body. Ugh, I could look at those feet all day. I sent this picture to his Auntie and she texted me and said, "I am in Love with that wrinkled foot!" Me too. I wish we were looking at the real thing and not just a picture.

Oh, yes... there is Joy!

Part of me thought that I would never feel it again. Not after my husband and I lowered Hank's casket into the dry, hard earth. Joy. I thought it was gone.....forever. But, a couple of weeks ago, on a Wednesday night at 7:00...... I found it. I returned for the first time to our Wednesday night children's ministry, and only expected to feel the pain. I had spend many many days thinking about the day that I would bring Hank to that very place I love. I was almost dreading going back. And then it happened..... I walked through those doors and saw the smiling faces of all of those kids I love so much, and I felt their hugs, and I heard their stories about their days, and ate supper with them I watched them sing songs to our Amazing God. And I watched the women from our church who work all day, then get off and come to prepare a meal for those kids. And they stand on their tired feet and serve us all with great big smiles and kind, kind words. Not thinking of satisfying their own hunger, they assure that all of our stomachs are nourished to prepare our souls to be too. And then, they scrub pans and sweep floors, and wipe tables. That is service. And that is love. Then we go to our classes and I listen to what the kids have to say about their faith, and I'm blown away at the perspectives they give, and the depth of some of their knowledge, and the desperate need for knowledge in others. And I listen as we gather together again to share, some of them so eager to share what they've learned that night. And then we join hands and I look into each one of their eyes as we sing, "I love you with the love of the Lord." And there it was, the joy I thought I'd never feel again. Reminding me yet again that God is good... all the time!


Deuteronomy 4:9  “Only take care, and keep your soul diligently, lest you forget the things that your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. Make them known to your children and your children’s children—

My baby died.....

            Yes....he died. Most people are afraid to say it. They say "Her baby passed away," or "She lost her son." Lost..... sometimes I even use that word, but I really don't like it. Why do people say that? Why do I say that? He's not lost.... I know exactly where he is, and he is happy, and loved, and safe in the arms of our savior. Praise God!
           I had a follow up for my foot surgery today, and am blessed to have a wonderful Christian man as a doctor. We were talking about Hank today and he even took the time to stop and look at some pictures of him. He is very sweet and sympathetic and has an aunt named Eva working for him that had a full term baby who was stillborn about 40 years ago; she still lives the pain. When we were talking about Hank, he said "I know this doesn't make things better, but he is in Heaven and he does not ever have to experience the trials and tribulations of this earth." I rejoice!
           Even so, he is gone..... and it's hard.... so, so hard. I was sitting outside watching my husband shoot the basketball, and Nathan let one of our beagles out of the yard to run around in the driveway. He picked her up, in one arm, high in the air while he shot with the other arm, and I was reminded of an old picture that I have of Nathan and his dad when he was probably around two. His Dad has Nathan raised high over his head, Nathan is holding on to the rim and the basketball is hanging just at the bottom of the net. I told Nathan it reminded me of that picture, and our thoughts immediately went to Hank. I bet we would have taken a thousand pictures just like this:

                      

Psalm 127:3 Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from Him.

September 20

This was supposed to be the day. The day of happiness, the day of joy, the day I brought my baby boy home. Instead, it marks the day that Hank has lived in Glory for 11 weeks. I miss him so much.

Blessings

I continue to be amazed by the people that the Lord has put into our lives. These people are showing me what it means to serve the Lord, by serving the "least of these." I am just one broken, stumbling woman, trying to find a way to keep my feet on the ground. You will not receive earthy glory for serving me. Likely it will go unnoticed by others. I am just "the least of these." Matthew 25:40 "I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." These people have had a profound effect on me, and a profound effect on the way I serve others. Here are some things that y'all are teaching me:


What it means to really pray for someone. I cannot tell you what it means to me to have someone call, or email, or text, or just come tell me that they are praying for me. It gives me strength, and I know that when I feel peace, that is where it comes from. All of you who continue to remind me that you are praying for me.... you are teaching me what it means to carry someone on your heart and daily lift them in prayer. I will never forget one text in particular that I received from a fairly new friend. I texted her to ask her about something and she responded and told me, "I love you guys! I woke up at 2:30 am Friday morning consumed with you and Hank. I prayed til about 4 am! I don't know what was going on, but I know God woke me up thinking about you." My goodness, that gives me chills. To think that God so firmly planted my name and my needs in the heart of someone like that just completely blows my mind. That one statement has changed my life. It forever changed the way I think about prayer. This one woman has taught me what it means to truly pray for someone. I'll have to talk more about her later, she is pretty amazing and has ministered to my heart like no one else.


How much a card or note can lift a spirit. I love love love getting all the sweet cards in the mail. It brightens my mood. Getting an email in the middle of the day can completely change the way my day is going. I have thought many times before that just sending someone a card wouldn't help them or change anything for them. Now, I see how uplifting that can be.


The Power of scripture. Many times when I have been feeling so low, one of you sweet sweet friends/strangers leads me to His word. You give me scriptures that give me hope, that pick me back up when I've fallen down again and think I just don't have the strength to get back up this time.
You all are helping to create a better servant of me, showing me how to humble myself to others, and lift others up. And as I serve with a heart being molded by those who are now serving by caring for me, I continue to carry my Hank as my inspiration.


1 Corinthians 15:58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.


The time you've spent laboring over me is not in vain. I am moved by your prayers and actions. They are inspiring me to do more for others, and the Lord is glorified by them.