Hurting, Yet Rejoicing

         
         I have had so much going on in my life and in my heart this past month. I have wanted to write about all of it many times..... but just couldn't find the energy. I have had OB appointments, a gender reveal party, game night with our youth group, all broken up by many days of sitting at the hospital with Gram. Even though I am exhausted, it will feel so strange tomorrow not to rush from work at lunchtime to go see her. Or to hurry over to the hospital as soon as we are done seeing patients, so I can see an even sweeter patient. Highs and lows, joy and sadness. Life has been so up and down. Since Gram is so heavy on my heart... I'll talk about her tonight and tell you about all the rest later.
       Gram, my Dad's Mom, left us this morning to be with her Savior at the age of 72. Gram was a tough lady.... one who always played outside with us and could take a hit like a champ as my little brother tested time and time again. She even took a whack to the head with a bat and kept right on playing with us. After my Grandad died when I was probably in about 3rd grade, we began a tradition that lasted many years. Gram would pick us up about 4:30 every Friday afternoon, take us out to eat, and we would spend the night with her. Saturday morning was garage sale time, and she'd give us a quarter or fifty cents to spend on whatever treasures we could find. I came to really dislike that part of the morning because I would get so carsick riding around town in the back of her car - anyone who has gone on any kind of trip with me knows that this is not something I have grown out of.
         Gram has been so many things to me over the years as our relationship evolved. She was my playmate and caregiver as a child, my supporter at all the important events in my life, my spirit lifter since I moved away from Sweetwater, always sending me cards in the mail to let me know she was thinking about me. This summer after Hank passed away, Gram and Mema (my Mom's Mom) frequently came to Abilene to check on me. One day they came over to take me out to eat, and I needed to spend some time crying before I could go with them. Gram knew that there are just no words to fix a hurt like that and she didn't try to say something silly or profound to try to make me feel better. She just put her arms around me and didn't say a word. She didn't have to. Those big tear drops falling on my head said it all. She loved me.... and she hurt for me. And though she wanted to be there for me, and made it a point to check on me, she seemed to understand better than anyone else that many days, I just needed time to myself.
          That summer, Gram's knee started hurting. I didn't know about it at the time. I don't know if that was because she just didn't complain about it, or if I was just too involved in my own grief. I didn't hear about it until a couple of months later when my mom told me she was really having a hard time walking and was just in a lot of pain. When I called her she didn't say a lot about it, just that it was hurting her a lot and then she asked me about how all my animals were doing (I think she is who I got my love for animals from). When I saw her at Thanksgiving, she was using a cane and unable to drive. Her knee was so swollen and red and looked so painful. I fixed her plate, wanting to make sure she ate good because she'd been having a hard time eating because she hurt so bad.
          In December, Gram went to the doctor and they decided it was time for a knee replacement. They decided it must be osteoarthritis and a knee replacement was the only thing that could get her walking again. About a week before Christmas, she had her surgery. When she woke up, she just smiled at all of us and was so glad to see us. After Christmas, our relationship took on another dynamic as I became the one staying with her and taking care of her for a week. I am a do-er, and when someone is hurting and I can't fix that for them, I have to do something for them. So I kept myself busy cooking meals, making snacks, dusting and scrubbing the kitchen, making and remaking her bed so that it would be germ free to keep her incision clean. As a nurse I pushed her. I wanted her to get back to her several-mile-a-day-walking-self. I encouraged her to sit up longer, to take one more trip around the kitchen, to eat a little extra protein. And my sweet Gram just kept trying for me. She wanted to please all of us so bad. She didn't want to let anyone down.
          The Friday before our gender reveal party, Gram had to be taken to the ER. She had gotten to where she was hurting really really bad, unable to eat, and her little heart was back in Afib (a abnormal heart rhythm she has struggled with for several years now).  Her heart rate was over 210, more than twice what it should be. She was shocked under sedation several times in the ER to try to get her back in a normal rhythm, but with no success. They got it slowed down some with medications and she was admitted to the hospital. Then, they addressed her leg, which her heart doctor believed to be causing the problem with her heart. It was so, so swollen above her knee. And so very painful. By Valentine's night, they had to do surgery on it to open it to relieve some of the pressure. That night we were told that she had a very bad infection and that more than likely, the only thing that could save her, was to amputate at the hip, and they didn't know if she could survive that big of a surgery. She had just become so weak. So, a couple of days later, nothing had grown out on the cultures.... no infection! And Gram was looking better. She had another surgery on her leg to clean it up some more and to close it back up. She even got to move out of ICU shortly after that. Things were looking better, and we thought she may even get to keep her leg. But, at the end of the week Gram started getting sick again. She was weak and having a lot of trouble eating, and at times she would get confused which was so unlike her. I knew something was going on. So, she had a CT of her leg and they found that it wasn't getting any better. They were going to have to amputate. Even in her hurting and her getting her bad news, she loved. And she made others love her. Every single nurse that took care of her told us how much they loved her and wished that they could keep her. One nurse even cried when she said how much she hated having to turn her because she knew it hurt her. And even when she hurt, Gram said thank you. And yes ma'am. And please. And smiled for you.
        Saturday morning, all of the family gathered to be there for her. We knew this surgery was going to be very hard on her body. It was on this day, they day they were taking part of Gram's body, that I saw the fullness of His Body. We had so many friends, extended family, church family, and co-workers all surrounding us with love and encouragement on that day. Brother Keith, Gram's preacher that she LOVES was there to support us and await news of how the surgery went.  All I ever had to do during all the scary times of Gram's hospitalization was send out a few texts and our family was covered in prayer.  My sweet friend Cindy even came by the hospital to bring us some nourishment. Gram made it through the surgery and had to spend the rest of the night on the ventilator until she was strong enough and awake enough to be without it.
           The days following her surgery were tough on her, her body had been through so much. After a couple of days off the ventilator, Gram had to be put on a machine to help keep her airways open in order for her to get enough oxygen. Gram didn't like that machine, it made her feel like she couldn't breathe and she said she was scared. One day when my sister, Nancy, and I were visiting her, I asked her what her favorite song was. She thought for a long time.... so long that I thought she'd forgotten what I asked and fell asleep. Then she said "I surrender all to thee." My sister and I began singing the words that we could remember and Gram started singing along. I will never forget that beautiful site of my Gram, with her big mask on, it puffing air in her face every few seconds, her eyes sunken and weary from fighting, singing "I surrender all.... All to the thee my precious Savior, I surrender all." I don't have many memories of Gram singing before this, but it was so pretty and she sounded so sweet. Sweetest sound I have ever heard. 
           We were seeing some improvement in Gram and were excited about it. Then the news came. The pathology report on her leg was in.... and the cancer she had beat more than 10 years ago was back..... and it was aggressive. The doctors worked very hard to get the many extra pounds of fluid she was carrying off of her body and her lungs, and last Thursday she was able to take that machine off. She had such a good day and was talking and trying to eat and not having much pain. Her eyes were looking better and she seemed so much more like herself. But over the weekend, she didn't seem like she was doing as good. She got her feeding tube out, and the doctors kept saying she was looking better every day. But I just had this feeling every time I was with her. That all was not well and that things were about to get bad.
           She was needing quite a bit of pain medicine over the weekend and was sleeping a lot. Monday, when I went to see her at lunch, she was very sleepy at first. She told me hi and she loved me and then dozed back off. After a while, she peeped her eyes open at me sitting next to her bed and gave me this little grin, then blew me a kiss. Once again, she didn't need words. We visited her again that night, and then early this morning got the call that she was fading fast. None of us were able to make it in time. When I got there and was able to stop crying and holding her, Nathan and I sang to her... "I surrender all. I will ever love and trust thee, take me Jesus take me now."
            My heart aches that she is gone. Selfishly I want her here. I hurt. But the end was quick for her. She had improved so much physically and was able to go without relying on a bunch of tubes. She is healed, her body is whole, she is redeemed. I rejoice. She is teaching my little boy all about his momma and spoiling him rotten. I rejoice. And yet I miss her and I hurt.
            The scripture we read Monday in chapel is so fitting. Isaiah 65:20-24 : "Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days, or an old man who does not live out his years; the one who dies at a hundred will be thought a mere child; the one who fails to reach a hundred will be considered accursed. They will build houses and dwell in them; they will plant vineyards and eat their fruit. No longer will they build houses and others live in them, or plant and others eat. For as the days of a tree, so will be the days of my people; my chosen ones will long enjoy the work of their hands. They will not labor in vain, nor will they bear children doomed to misfortune; for they will be a people blessed by the Lord, they and their descendants with them. Before they call I will answer; while they are speaking I will hear." And do you know the crazy beauty in it all??? YOU ARE CHOSEN! YOU ONLY HAVE TO SAY YES.