It makes my breath quicken and my stomach drop to think of that moment in time when we went from proud parents boasting of his latest accomplishments- to terrified. Then heartsick. Then dropping earth over his body.
That moment replays when I blurt out over the phone to my sister, "He's dying Nance. You have to come quick. You have to see him before he's gone. "
I don't like this kind of remembering.... The remembering that makes me sick to my stomach. The remembering that brings so many regrets and so many useless questions. The remembering that brings the fear of hurting that way again. The remembering that I wore my knees out to pray out of my life. This is the remembering that makes me thankful for the grace of God that my day in day out memories no longer consist of these, but of the softness of his skin, the cutest feet I've ever seen, those eyes looking right into mine...
And making new memories of his sister learning his name; recognizing him in pictures, calling him "Bubba", or "Hanky." Memories being made with our daughter, because we are intentional with our time with her.... because we know we are so blessed to have it. Memories of the legacy that exists because of him, from his well in Uganda to the work I do to serve other hurting Mommas, to the youth building at our church named in his honor.....and most of all, of his parents seeking the Lord with renewed fervor, because we know the only Place we will hold him again.
Lord, thank you for your Grace in my life. Please continue pointing me back to it, reminding me of your goodness and your desire for me to see the BEAUTY IN THE ASHES and trust in your plan for my life.
