I love you, Hank

I have been trying to do normal things lately. Go out of town, spend time with people other than my sister and husband, and talk on the phone more (even though I've never liked talking on the phone), and spending more time out of my house. I am doing these "normal" things, but I definitely don't feel normal. I am so tired of being asked if "I'm doing any better." No, I am not. I will never be better. I still miss my baby like crazy.

Tuesdays are hard. Every Tuesday, I was one week closer to term, one week closer to meeting my sweet boy. Tuesday is also the day Hank passed away. Every Tuesday evening at 6:30, he's been gone one more week. It's been five weeks now. Five weeks living on earth without my precious little boy. I do more, see more people, even spend time with people, but I still hurt as much as I did the day my baby boy left me.

I was reading another woman's blog and I liked her perspective on milestones. Instead of living 5 weeks without my baby, I am five weeks closer to being with him. I like that better. I just have to try to not think of the innumerable days/weeks that will pass before I do see him again.

Monday, I am supposed to start back to work. I'm feeling really anxious about this. It is hard to be around other people. It is exhausting trying to get through a whole day walking in sadness. And getting through an 8 hour work day without crying seems impossible. Tears are always on the verge of spilling and I just never know what will send them tumbling down my cheeks.

I have always thought that I was a strong person. I can walk through physical pain day in and day out. I am mentally tough too, I never give up. I don't let too much get to me, and I let things go pretty quickly. But I have never experienced this depth of sadness. It is life-altering. It is hard and overwhelming. This is what is seeing me through this time...when I feel broken and without hope:

Isaiah 51:11 - The ransomed of the Lord will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

A day will come when my God will save me from the agony of my sorrow. He will heal me and build me back up after having been broken down and unrecognizable. That day will be a long day in coming.... but I have Faith that it will. It is by this faith that I pull myself out of bed in the morning, and make it through my day.

I find myself focusing so much on the pain and loss I have experienced, that I forget to be thatnkful about my many blessings.......so I will end this post with a bit about my husband.

My husband is amazing and wonderful and sweet and funny and a compassionate Godly man. I am so thankful for him, he and my sister have been my crutches, there one on each side, ready to catch me any time I wobble or threaten to fall. They are always encouraging me, and reminding me that I am the one who I am sad for, that our Angel is is in the arms of our glorious maker...never to feel pain,or anxiety, or sadness, or despair. I know in my heart that he knows I love him. I ask my heavenly father to hug and kiss him every morning when I wake and every evening before I sleep. I tell him that I love him all the time. I hope that I can learn to use that love I feel for him for strength. Strength to get me throughout he day, to be kind to others, to grow stronger in spirit and stronger in faith, and to be a bright shining light for the Lord, the way my baby taught me to be.

Guilt

Guilt has been crowding my mind lately. It keeps creeping in there mixing around with the sadness. Several people have told me not to feel guilty, that this is not my fault, there was nothing I could do, but I still feel guilty. No, I could not control the hellp syndrome that put both mine and Hank's life at risk, but it did happen to my body. He had to come out because my body was shutting down. How do you not feel guilty about that? I am his mother and I failed him.
I feel guilty that I did not get to spend enough time with him before he died. Because of the preeclampsia, I had to remain on bed rest for more than 24 hours after I delivered on a magnesium drip. Speaking of the mag, there is some more guilt. I was so drugged by the residual anesthesia, the pain meds, and mag, that I was so confused about everything that was going on. I kept having to ask what day he was born (I had been in and out of the hospital for several days), and how much he weighed and how long he was. I had to ask my husband every time someone asked me these questions and that made me feel awful! So because of my being confined to the bed over 24 hours after my surgery, my son was more than one day old before I got to see him. I couldn't wait to see him! But, I had to..... no visiting from 630 to 830 due to shift change. Meanwhile I got switched to my postpartum room where my nurse wants me to get out of wheelchair and into bed for an "assessment." Keep in mind this is the first time I've gotten up in about 2 days, I have an incision that has not been moved yet, and no pain medication. So after painfully getting into bed, she took my blood pressure, felt my uterus, and looked at my bleeding. Then she gave me 2 vicodin and said I needed to walk all the way to the nursery (I couldn't even sit up straight) Then she recommended me wait until my pain meds kicked in and then go to the NICU. Was she crazy? I needed to meet my baby. Everyone else had see him except me and I was not about to wait one more minute. So I try to take off with my IV pole no success, my incision feels like it is tearing open, so I went in a wheelchair with the instruction that I needed to walk the whole way back. Then I got to meet my sweet, perfect baby and nothing else mattered. I held on to his soft little hand and he held on too. I looked at all of his perfect, tiny body parts and was in awe of him. I only got to visit him one more time before he started getting sick. So I feel guilt that I did not get to see him or touch him, or be there for him enough when he was alive.
I also feel guilty because I want to have another baby......so bad. I want to as soon as possible. I know no one will ever replace him, but I feel guilty for wanting another baby. I hope that it will take away some of the pain of not having my baby to hold in my arms. But I feel guilty for having those feelings. I have always wanted lots of kids, but when I found out Hank was coming, I was scared that we weren't ready. I was selfish and didn't know if I was ready to have the responsibility of caring for someone all the time. As soon as Hank was born, I knew I would do anything for him, and I realized that I have always been ready to be a mom. Having him for those two short days made my desire to be a mom so intense that I now feel anxious that I won't have a baby soon enough.
I have guilt for wishing that I had died too. Then I would be with him, holding him in my arms in heaven. I feel guilty for wishing that because there are so many people that love me and would miss me. I feel guilty because I know what that would have done to my husband. And I feel guilty because that feels like choosing my baby over my husband. I feel ashamed because I know now more than ever that life is precious, every day a gift from God... and I am taking it for granted.
But most of all, I feel guilty because I lived............ and he didn't.