Soul Ache

        I just left the University Church of Christ where we spent time in praise and in prayer for all of those involved in the horrible accident on Friday. My heart aches for all of those involved, but especially for Anabel's mom as my heart so recently knows the hurt of loosing a child. 
        I had the pleasure of meeting Anabel at ACU. She and I connected over donkeys. Yes donkeys. We both have a love for animals, and she was telling me last spring about how she and her brother were planning on raising donkeys that summer. And I was telling her that one of the first things I'm going to do when I move to the country, is buy a donkey. She said, "Really? I'm going to give you a donkey when you move. I can't wait!" So sweet. She and I struck a friendship up. I didn't see her often around campus, but she would send me little emails and brighten up my day with her sweet words and her genuine interest in my life and my happiness.
           About the middle of July this summer, she sent me a message to ask how my summer was going. It being God's perfect timing, it was just weeks after my sweet Hank had passed away. I told her about him, and the moment she got that email, she wrote me on her heart and continued to carry me there over the next months. She emailed me to check on me, encourage me, and pray for me. 
           One day at chapel after I had gone back to work, I was having a particularly hard day. I wept through the entire service and afterward was surrounded by my coworkers comforting me. And do you know who else surrounded me? Yes, sweet Anabel. She patiently stood there waiting to comfort me. When our hug and conversation got interrupted by others wanting to hug me, she did not give up and leave. She stayed and waited..... she had more to say.
          She hugged me tight, with tear-filled eyes, aching for her friend who hurt. She told me that she loved me, she was praying for me, and said with such sincerity that she would do anything to help me. This sweet girl, who had not even known me for long, let her heart be stained by my hurt and my tears. She wanted to carry some of that burden for me. 
          She continued to email me, encourage me. One of the last things she wrote to me was, "I know that I am just a student here on campus, but I will always be here for you and hope that you know that I will do anything I can to help you, even if you just need someone to listen." I told her she wasn't just a student..... she was amazing. 
          It isn't at all surprising to me that what she was doing when she passed away, was going to serve. She truly had a servant's heart.
          God we hurt, and we just don't understand sometimes why life has to be so hard. We don't understand why such an amazing person with so much to give had to go so soon. It just doesn't make since that this needs to be the plan, when she had so many more lives left touch on this earth. Lord, please help us to desire your good and perfect will be done. Lord please be with Anabel's mother, and father, and her brother who are missing her so much. Lord, please help to ease Mrs. Reid's soul ache, the one I know all too well. Please carve her name on our hearts, just as she did mine. And Lord please send her our love, and make sure she meets Hank, that little boy she cried over with me.
          Anabel always ended her emails to me with Blessings, Anabel. Thank you Anabel, for your blessings. I have truly been blessed by you. 

Just two more days....

          In just a couple of days, we will be participating in marathoning for miracles. A sweet, sweet lady named Wendy and her coworker Robyn, approached me after chapel on a day that I was really struggling. I sat there trying to sing songs of praise, but I just could not stop the tears that flowed down my face. She came to me after, told me that she loved me and thinks about me all the time, and then began to tell me about Marathoning for Miracles. It's a race to raise money for Hendrick Children's Hospital to help children right here in Abilene.
         So, she set up a facebook page and set a goal of 2 relay teams for the race. Invitations to the event were sent out, and those people sent the invitation on to others, and soon, we had 4 teams of five and 2 running a half marathon. That is 22 people walking/running for Hank. Just amazing....
One of Wendy's student workers, Garrett, who had not even met me at the time, designed some amazing t-shirts for us. Don't I work with a wonderful group of people?? Here are the shirts!

          The verse is Luke 18:16 "These children are the Kingdom's pride and Joy."The pictures don't do them justice. My photo taking skills are....well, awful. Don't worry though, I have an awesome photographer friend that will be taking pictures at the event on Saturday so I will have some great pictures to show you. Her name is Cindy Gravitt of Gravitt productions and she's the best! Oh, and she works with me at ACU too. I know, I'm a lucky girl to work with such amazing people.


          The registration fees for our teams and individual runners totaled $1,260, all going to Hendrick Children's Hospital. That amount is awesome! But my sweet sister wanted to do more. She set a goal to raise $1,000 to make an extra donation in Hank's name. She sent out fliers to who knows how many people, sent them out on facebook, and propositioned friends. 


And guess what???


We are almost there!


$775 donated by friends, family, and even strangers.


       So, when we reach our goal, we will have a total of....  $2,260 being donated in Hank's name! I am so proud, and so, so thankful! This money will go to help children in Abilene, TX who need medical care.
       So, I just wanted to say THANK YOU! To everyone who is helping or supporting us in any way. I can't tell you how much it means to me. It is so awesome to know that the money raised in memory of my baby boy will go to help other children right here in our very town.
        Praise God for good friends who do good things in His name and to help honor and remember my sweet Hank.

Missing him....

I am missing you today, my precious little boy. My heart aches for you. I want to touch those perfect little shoulders. The ones that look so much like your Daddy's. I hope that Jesus is telling you right now, about how much your momma loves you. Because I do, so, so, much. And it is so hard that you are not here with me.
Love,
Momma

Surrender

         Lord, I do so want to surrender all to you. To honestly favor    Your will over mine. To really want to live Your plan for me. But, this is not how I pictured it....The Plan. And it seems that I'm a bit of a control freak Lord, and I wanted Your plan to look more like mine. 

        I planned to be living in the country, outside of Tuscola. To own the land that this heart loves. And to be close to the church that this soul needs. 

         I'm not, I'm renting a house in the middle of a neighborhood in Abilene. Where people get shot and killed down the street from me. 
But also where I met some amazing Christian neighbors who came and loved on us, and brought us a delicious home-cooked meal after they learned that Hank had passed away. A sweet friendship is now developing.
         In this He speaks to me: "Open your eyes my child and SEE! See what I have given you. I have given you community in both those neighbors as well as in your property manager who personally knows your hurt and your struggle. "

           I planned to have several kids by now, but I've only had one and you took him for Your Glory. 
          He says to me "His days are better served in my Kingdom, and you will serve mightily on this earth  because of those two days he lived. "

             I planned to be a stay at home mom, but with the way the economy is looking, I don't know if that will ever happen. Because owning land and raising animals, and growing hearts of children is expensive.
            Again he says, "Look at what I have given to you! A job you love, serving students you love, and opportunity! A job where it is, in fact, encouraged to share the Word of the Lord. Use this opportunity! Open your mouth and speak the good Word!"

          I planned to raise my kids to love each other and love Jesus, but how will I teach them to love a brother they will never meet. He says to me, "Do not be afraid or anxious. I will guide you as you share Hank with your other kids.... all you have to do is ask........ and then listen. Be still with me."


          How do I get past this hurt and this obsessive infatuation with my own plan. Because I can still see my 80 year old self sitting on the porch with Nathan watching our cows graze, our grand and great-grandchildren playing, my miniature donkey, drinking from the pond full of ducks. A house full of life, fields full of life, and barns full of life. And I worry that His plan will be so different from what my heart desires.
         I am a sad lump of clay, Lord, turned hard by this cold, cold season of grief, sadness, and hurt in my life. Lord please work on my soul....mold my clay, warm it back to flexible, and MOLD ME. Mold my heart to desire your good and perfect plan for me and my family. I want to surrender to you. You're everything, everything.
         I need you daily to remind me... Not my will but Thine be done. Because I'm a fighter, Lord. And I will want to fight for those things that I love, I will fight to make my plan the greater one, the more important one. Lord shape me and prepare me for this next season in my life. Help me to remember that your plans are goodness and the maps to Glory.

"I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee my precious Savior, I surrender all. "

The Love of the Body

          The Body of Christ is an amazing thing, and I cannot even count the ways that His body has provided for us and served for us. We have been loved on, cooked for, listened to, comforted, encouraged, thought about, given gifts, and been prayed for over and over and over again. The body is a gift, capable of amazing things when working as one.

                                           Things like this.... with less than 12 hours to prepare:

      
       I was shocked when we pulled up to the church for Hank's funeral and saw all of these cars:

 It was less than 12 hours between the time Hank passed and the time we celebrated his life. I am both humbled and honored at the lengths that both our related and church families went to, to come together to make it happen.

I often think my gifts or my role in the Body of Christ is insignificant. If you have ever felt that way too, I humbly tell you it is not. Every single act of service that has been done for us, has been significant. Now matter how small you thought it was, I assure you it has impacted us. You all humble me and surprise me, and fill me. Thank you for each and every thought, action, and prayer.

Wallowing

          I have already been worrying about/dreading Christmas for weeks. And it is only October. I just cannot imagine how it will look without Hank. This Christmas was going to be so different for Nathan and I with our new baby. And in my sinful ways, I have been worrying over this day that is still so far in the future and just plain feeling sorry for myself.

        There is an organization called Hope Mommies for mothers who's babies have gone on before them. It was started by Erin Cushman after her baby Gwendolyn went to be with Jesus. Erin's blog has inspired me, she is always writing just what I need to hear. Today, on the Hope Mommies blog, I read her challenge to give Hope this holiday season.

"It is too easy to allow ourselves to wallow in our grief and want to be served. But what if we bless others by GIVING and proclaim the Hope of Christ this season louder than our grief!" 

Amen... I have been wallowing. Feeling sad for myself for a day that hasn't even happened yet. It is so nice to have someone to change your focus. And it is amazing how much better you feel when you stop focusing on yourself and start doing for others. 

I'm looking forward to the challenge, and pray that I can speak my HOPE louder than my GRIEF. 

These Hands

          Last Wednesday, in our middle school girl's class at church, we talked about marriage. It made me spend time thinking about and appreciating what a blessing mine is to me. I was thinking about the vows that I made to Nathan and how I have thought of those words often.
       
          When Nathan and I were married, 4 years ago, our minister spoke of the things our hands would do for one another. As I was holding Nathans hands in mine, preparing to put the ring on his finger and call him mine, Mike spoke these words:

"Marsha, these are the hands, young and stong, of the one who has just promised to love and cherish you all the days of your life together.

These are the the hands that will work long hours to earn a living for you and the family with which God blesses you. (I cannot tell you how hard those hands have worked)

These are the hands that will be nicked and bruised from trying to fix things around the house to make you more comfortable. (He does this tirelessly)

These are the hands that may look large and clumsy, yet they'll be gentle and kind as he holds your baby for the first time. (oh, and they were!)

These are the hands that will wipe tears from your eyes (They have already wiped thousands), that that will comfort you in illness (so, so well. They have even given me shots daily after my blood clot) and hold you when you're afraid.

These are the hands of the man who has vowed to love you always."

Then, as Nathan was holding my wedding band, eager to slip it on my finger, Mike read:

"Nathan, these are the hands of the one who has just promised to love and cherish you all the days of her life.

These hands are smooth and young and carefree now, but one day will be lined and rougher because of their work in seeking to make your life more comfortable.

These are the hands that will hold the children God blesses you with, soothing them through illness, and disciplining them as needed.

These are the hands of the woman who has vowed to love you always." And I will....Always.

I was prepared for the hands worn and wrinkled from work. From washing dishes and cooking meals. From playing hard with children and scrubbing their messes. For hands that held little hands, and books while I read to sleepy faces. Hands that held their daddy's hand at church. Hands that washed clothes and worked in the yard. Hands that sewed and created. Hands that loved.

These hands were not prepared to hold my son as the life went right out of him. They were not prepared to hand his lifeless body over to my family to hold for the first time. They were not prepared to hold him as I kissed him for the last time and handed him back to the nurse. These hands were not prepared to lower his tiny casket into the ground and cover it with earth. These hands were not prepared to go home with nothing to hold.


I was reading through the words that Mike spoke about our hands and I came to the important part....

"Remember, these are also the hands that you will lift in praise to God for the blessings He bestows on you. And these are the hands you'll need to daily fold in prayer as you pray for each other and your family as it grows in the years to come."

Please God, don't ever let me forget to daily lift my hands in praise to you.